a balanced diet of compromises and no-compromises

compromises... they seem to catch up with us however fast we may run. they seem to find us no matter where we are. hasn't it become a part of life to compromise? aren't we required to make compromises here and there, now and then? however much we may hate to, we are compelled to do just that by circumstances. each one of us has been a victim of it. 

many a time, we succumb to pressures: parental,peer and the likes. we do things we don't like. we do things because someone else expects us to. we do things(or not do) to make someone happy. and the chain grows. we compromise. we put up a smile and go on with life.

but then, there are some things you just can't compromise on. your integrity, for example. and self-respect. and ethics. these are things you can't put a price on; things you can't bargain. these are yours and yours to protect. no other person should have a say in these matters. it is your call.     you are what you make yourself to be. 

so maybe it all comes down to this: recognizing when to compromise and when not to. though there is just a fine line that separates the two, the challenge is to tread cautiously. perhaps life needs a balanced dose of compromises and no-compromises. perhaps that's the way of life. 

to fight or not to fight?

i have never understood nor tried to understand when people say fights bring people in a relationship closer and how the "relationship" gets stronger after having gone through numerous fights. and by relationship, i don't mean just a boyfriend-girlfriend one. it includes friendship, plain and simple. i can never get what kind of good fights can bring. personally, it hasn't done me any good; one bad fight and i guess i have had enough.
i don't like fights. i don't like how they sound. they send out too much negative energy all around. they make me uneasy. i can never have a sound sleep knowing that i had a fight with someone. i try my best to avoid getting into fights as much as i can. call me a coward if you want to. call me gutless. call me "miss diplomatic" or whatever. but that's how i am. and that's what i think is right. and i do what i think is right. it's for me to decide how to live.
for the most part of my life, i have rarely got involved in any serious fights; ones that would involve not talking to and not looking at each other's face. i have never found the reason to go pick up a fight with someone close or otherwise. that's how i have lived my life. and it hasn't done me any harm. i have turned out quite well.
sometimes i ask myself: is it because i have not been able to consider anyone close enough to me? i don't know. maybe. maybe not. perhaps it's because i don't demand anything of others nor do i expect much from others. or maybe i am mature enough to know fights don't work. ;). but i will never be sure.
i know i am an anomaly of sorts. i am an aberration. yet i am just happy being the way i am. i was born this way (maybe my parents passed on their genes for this). i can't change even if i wanted to. and i wouldn't change if i could. this is how i was meant to be. and this is how i am.

dreaming bad

you know how it feels like to dream bad and then when you open your sleepy eyes and realise it was just a dream, you are so happy and relieved you almost shout out with joy. i just woke up that way now. slept fitfully all morning dreaming this and that. dreamt a friend tellling me(with a desire to hurt me) something really bad about me. i haven't ever felt worse than i felt in my dream. it pinched me and hurt my sentiments so bad that when my room-mate woke me up from my sleep, i felt elated i wasn't living the dream. now i am awake and happy and thankful i won't be made to go through it.. :)

wish a little wish for me

here's this thing with me: i have this feeling that one should not wish things for oneself; rather one should wish things for others. wishes seem to come true when you make a wish for someone else. i don't know how i picked this up but somehow i did. and now i find it a little hard to ignore. many times i have wished something for myself and it almost always didn't work. but when i wished something for someone, it worked most times. i don't know how it is with other people. call it superstition if you want to, but with me, that is how it goes.
i think every two person should get into a partnership of wishing things for each other. that way, each will have his/her wish fulfilled, courtesy the other person. and wouldn't that be just nice?? (or utopian is it?).. for me, it's a comforting concept anyway.
a few weeks back, i had asked my friend to wish something for me. she did. and the wish came true. so i think i pretty much believe in my own theory.
and i will continue believing and go on wishing for people close to my heart. and all i need to do is find someone to believe in my theory and wish a little wish for me everytime i need one.

music to my ears

when it comes to music, "some people" tell me that i have the weirdest and most boring sense of choice. and they have their reasons for this: i am stuck in that by-gone era of the 1970s and 80s and early 90s, and i mostly prefer slow songs. yes, i do have a soft corner for songs of the good old days. and soft slow songs too. but are they reasons enough to call my choice "weird" or "boring"? what, in fact, is weird and what is not? isn't it all a matter of one's tastes being similar or different? what is entertaining to one may be boring to another and vice versa. just because my taste doesn't match with a certain someone doesn't mean the other person's choice is lousy. (some people think otherwise though.)
it's my choice. and i stand by my choice.
i love classic rock. i love country music. i love the blues. i love the good old songs.
any given day, pink floyd songs captivate me.
a "tequila sunrise" can make my day.
"annie's song" makes me wish i were annie.
dixie chicks sound much better than pussycat dolls.
"soulmate" is the best indian band i have heard.

perhaps i am an old soul; an antique piece when it comes to music. 
but it all comes down to one thing: it's good music that i love, be it from the 1970s or 80s or 90s or the most recent decade. (and by good, it may imply anything i come to like... :p) and i have a certain inclination towards songs with good lyrics. i am a sucker for good lyrics. i look for songs with meaning; songs that have a soul.
and however boring some people may label my choice of songs to be, along the way, i have met some people too who happen to share with me the same likings and the same favourite songs. after all, it feels good to know i am not alone!!(well, anyway, i know there must be plenty of uncles and aunties who listen to my kind of songs.. lol. :D).

i think i will keep liking my kind of music and i will keep listening to my kind of songs.
this old soul will stay on.

my take on love

falling in love, i think, is a matter of chance,luck and timing. it's about being at the right place at the right time and meeting the right person. it's also about having the courage to be stupid and the audacity to experiment. falling in love is about being ready to share your life with someone. it is about taking the chance and not thinking about what the end result will be.
love is not to be pursued. you can't go out in the morning aiming to find love by the end of the day. you can't plan on love. love happens. and when the time's right and it's meant to happen, love will strike you hard.
and love is not something to be forced on. you cannot force someone to love you. emotional blackmails won't work after a while. because love is about understanding, trust and acceptance. it's not about your petty whims and desires. love is not to be demanded. it is to be earned.
love should be about freedom; the freedom of choice: to stay or to leave. it should not be a chain binding you to a person when all you want to do is leave and break free. and most of all, love should be about happiness and joy of the two souls in love.

(personally, never has my timing been right. never has luck shone on me. never have i met the right person at the right time at the right place. i have always been a little too late. but still i keep the faith. optimism is my eternal affliction. have i mentioned this before? ;))

hey dude, what's the big deal?

one thing i will never quite understand: guys and their fetish for long hair(on girls, i mean). whenever i happen to stumble upon a guy's profile on social networking sites etc., i always find him mention "long hair" as a major turn-on or attractive feature of a female. and the few guys i have talked to seem to share this view. never have i come across any guy who thinks otherwise.
is the male mind programmed to think this way? i don't know. i have no idea. but to me, it all seems a little weird. or maybe, i m the one who's weird here.or maybe, being a female(a weird one at that!!), i am not programmed from birth to think the way guys think.
during my growing-up years, i used to love Meg Ryan's movies e.g. "You've got mail", "City of Angels" etc and for me, she was the prettiest female in the world. and she had short hair. Halle Berry was another personal favourite and she was always sizzling hot, with her hair that was even shorter than a guy's. and Natalie Imbruglia was another one with short hair whom i loved. and then there's Barkha Dutt, the one female whom i have admired and looked up to since my sixth standard or so, with her characteristic short hair.
having grown up this way, i guess it's no wonder why i can't understand the guys when they go ga-ga over long hair. this is not to say that i don't like long hair. more than that, what i really don't understand(and like) is how guys think short hair is not meant for girls. anyway, i guess i am in no particular hurry to understand them(i am finally starting to feel sleepy now. thank god!!). so i will leave this comprehending part for later. i have never understood them(at least the ones here in college) anyway.

the girl from yesterday

it all began with my sweet crazy friend from high school reminiscing about her past, her school days. out of the blue, she remembered a certain girl we supposedly saw during our school days. she remembered her being really pretty and we going ga-ga over her. (in those days when we were in an all-girls convent school, we used to have big crushes on girls. pretty girls. boyish girls. anyone.it was pretty normal stuff for us then. and it had nothing to do with being straight or otherwise.. ;) ) but she couldn't remember her clearly and who exactly she was. this got her so irritated that she thought of asking me if i remebered her and the episode. i, who so prides herself in having a good memory and tending to remember incidents well, couldn't remember her at all. this made my friend wonder if it had been all been just her dream. i,on my part, tried and tried to remember but didn't succeed. meanwhile, my friend came up with a name and a school for the girl. i tried searching on facebook and found a girl by that name who had attended that school. but i had a serious doubt it was "the girl". she wasn't pretty enough(geez.. ). my friend confirmed my doubts. she told me it wasn't her at all. so i tried again. but no matching profile came up. by this time, my friend had gone crazy because of the irritation of not being able to find her girl. and she had  passed on some amount of her madness to me. then i thought of asking another friend of mine who had been in that certain school if she knew anyone by that name. it was 5 pm or so when i asked her. her reply came pretty late. 8 pm or so. the one she happened to know was the girl who's profile i had earlier checked out on fb. and she knew no other girl by that name.
by then, after more than 4 hours of torment, my dear friend had obviously lost her mind. she kept asking me if i could recall the girl even a bit. i genuinely tried to. but somehow nothing came to my mind. this went on for an hour or so. and then, my friend told me something about the girl being the sister of a certain guy who used to take tuition classes with us. and suddenly, it hit me!! this girl exists after all!! i knew her brother. i knew her. i can even recall her brother's face. but the sad thing is that when it came to recalling her, all i remember is that she was tall and pretty. i can't remember her face. i don't remember how she looks like. i only remember it was a pretty face. anyway, my friend was extremely happy and relieved to know that i remember her too. and that she wasn't dreaming it up!!
the puzzle is half-solved now. but there's a tougher task ahead of us. we have to find her. we have to find her through fb or orkut or whatever means we can think of. but find her we must. we won't give up that easily. we will search every nook and corner. we will use all our contacts. we will do all we can. we won't rest until we find "the girl from yesterday"!!
and then,my friend wants to see her face; see if she's still pretty!! hopeless case we are. i know. but my sweet friend has been the craziest girl i have known all my life. and the crazier thing is that i am letting myself go crazy along with her!! but then, what would i not do for a friend like her? :)..

good or bad? bad or good?

Living in a girls' hostel with "girls", i frequently get to hear my fellow hostel-mates categorise people(guys,to be more exact) into good and bad based on a person's drinking and smoking habits. pretty normal talk here in my hostel. armed with information about how much a guy drinks and smokes and how often, the girls jump into conclusions about his character. "this guy is bad because he drinks." "he smokes a lot so you know what kind of a person he must be." blah blah.. they pass their judgements with absolute surety.
but i tell you:i am not one of them. i do not share their sentiments. i declare myself to be one of the very small group of people who refuse to judge people on that basis. i cannot allow myself to be so narrow-minded and bigoted as to judge someone like that. this is not to say that i support alcoholism or chain-smoking. i do not. i know smoking kills. i know drinking destroys. and i would never encourage anyone to smoke or drink. but the simple point is that smoking or drinking is not a criteria that would naturally render a person bad. you cannot jump to conclusions about how a person  is based on such an aspect as smoking or drinking.
everyone drinks during the college years.(and from observation, i know that eventually they cut down on the drinking and smoking. they do it now for the fun of it. they are not trying to become alcoholics!! ) and you would find very few people who don't,say 5%. ok let's raise it a little. say it's  10%. so would you say the 90% are bad cause they drink and smoke? i think i would be a brainless fool to say that. it would be narrow-mindedness and stupidity of the highest order. but i think most girls(at least the ones here) are programmed to think that a guy who drinks and smokes is naturally bad. they have been thinking that way for ages now i guess. and the conservative attitude is hard to change. many a time arguments break out on topics such as drinking, smoking and some even more taboo topics.
i thank God i grew up with an open mind. i don't hate someone just because s/he smokes or drinks. for me, what matters is honesty and integrity. what matters is truth. what matters is kindness and love. i personally know people who smoke and drink. and they are better persons than many non-smokers and non-drinkers. ( i have no intention to insult the non-doers. this is just my very personal view). some smokers and drinkers have all my respect and admiration for the things they have achieved; their sense of responsibility, honesty and integrity.
all those conservatives, doubters, cynics,fools may not agree with me. so be it. i cannot make you change your stand or your mind. i don't care anyway. but baby, when you end up marrying a guy who drinks and smokes, tell me how you feel. is he no longer bad? :P

(good, bad. normal, weird. shallow, deep. i wonder if we even have the right to judge people.
shouldn't we all stop being judgemental for one day?)

letting go 
backing out
staying in the sidelines
creating space
a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

resolutions before and after

days back i had come up with some weird resolutions. and all of them had to do with my getting placed.
firstly, i had decided i would not get myself a new phone until i got placed. the phone that i have now is not in the best of shape.the speakers are not in proper working order. and the screen is scratched and the cover is broken. my resolution has had the worst effect on the "talking on the phone" aspect. talking to someone through my phone is a frustrating task and both people on either end have to make a great effort to try to hear what the other person is saying and interpret it correctly. i mostly end up shouting out the words or just ending the conversation in frustration. i have even stopped talking to a lot of people on the phone simply because my bloody phone wouldn't let me have a decent conversation. but, now that i am placed, my resolution no longer holds. and i am finally free to get myself a new phone!! i have no resources to do that at this point of time. but i will do some coaxing and then i will have a brand new phone in my hand!!:)
secondly, i had made this resolution to not go back home until i have a job in hand, not that i go home between the semester. but i made this resolution just for the heck of it. today i just started thinking why i should not take a break sometime and head towards the north-east. it would be cool to be at home on my birthday. but it's a long time from now. and then i am always a little concerned about the amount of money it takes to travel to and from home. this aspect always discourages me from making a trip to my home. or should i just ask my parents to come visit me here in bhopal? nice idea and i also know my parents are not gonna be making the trip to bhopal anytime soon. so i guess for the time being, i should just chuck this idea. there's winter break in december. and i will go back home them.
other resolutions i am not really sure of. for one thing, i didn't make the resolution to lose weight. but i ended up losing 3-4 kgs. heartbreaking stuff. so my resolution now that i am placed is that i will eat all meals in a day and gain weight and try to be fit and strong. another one would be to treat myself to some good novels. i have missed reading them. and last but not the least, how can i forget my ambition to play the guitar well! so i resolve to learn playing the guitar with absolute commitment. (why do i seem to have a doubt about the first and last of these?)
gotta see if i have the strength to follow these resolutions. will get back with results in a few days or so.

a bundle of happiness

so this is what happiness is...i am utterly crazily shamelessly happy.. and i have every right to feel that way. my heart is bursting with happiness. it's spilling over. and i feel like shouting and screaming and telling the world that i am the happiest person on this earth. i feel like hugging every person i see and tell her how happy i am. am i going crazy?? i don't mind the craziness at all. yessss i am that happy. if there was a measurement for happiness, my happiness would cross the maximum limit. after such a long time i feel the highest level of joy and satisfaction at the accomplishment and a job well done. and i thank my lucky stars they stood by me. everything went my way. everything. 
10th august 2010 will always remain a special day for me. my first placement. "first". it was my day. and when it's your day, nothing can stop you from achieving what you are meant to achieve. and i did. i achieved what i set out to: a job with "HeadStrong". there is a sense of calm and security now. the knowledge that you have a job to fall back on wraps you up in a blanket of security and well-being. it's like having a soft cushion beneath you. and to see the positive results of your hard work and effort is a big confidence booster. i think i am more confident today than i was yesterday. 
even after having exhausted my entire energy merely sitting and waiting for the interviews and being tired to the bones, i am so happy that i can't fall asleep. i don't want the day to end. i want to taste the feeling for a couple more hours before i go to sleep. happiness is all i can feel now. i am a bundle of happiness and smiles now. i am happy. and i am gonna sit here and wait for the sun to rise. i want to see the first rays of the sun. i want to feel the cool morning breeze against me. i want to thank whatever or whoever it is for giving me this happiness. i want to let the songbirds and flowers know how happy and blessed i am. i want to sit on the swing in the park and lose myself in my happiness. i want to be with me in the quietness and serenity of the morning...

need you now

some days when the sun doesn't shine
when the rain is pouring
and when it gets cold inside
i need you by my side
i need you to say everything's gonna be alright
when i start wondering if i am gonna make it through
i need you to hold my hand tight
and walk with me
i need you now

jobless in MANIT

it's been a tiring , disappointing and frustrating week for me... what with placements kicking off here in the college and all that... i sat for two companies; one company to be exact, but different departments: samsung research and development and samsung software.. and yes, i didn't make it through any of the two... the first time i didn't even clear the written aptitude exam...(hopeless, ain't i??) the second time i made it through it but couldn't clear the written technical.. (duh!!).. but after having seen all the cheating going around among the boys and the sort of people who appeared for the exam, i felt good that i at least cleared the aptitude round yesterday.. i lag way behind those people preparing for CAT in the aptitude department.. i have absolutely no practice in the various reasoning type questions... okey most questions are solvable.. the problem is the time limit.. given ample time anyone can solve them... many boys resorted to "group work" or "co-operation"; solving questions in parts and then exchanging answers..how wonderfully time saving!! and unfair!! yes i personally felt it was unfair.. and many girls shared my sentiments... but then we are helpless, aren't we??
anyway i won't dwell on that.. let's get back to my not getting selected in the first two companies i sat.. am i sad? am i disappointed?? am i de-motivated?? in the first place, i knew my chances were very less, what with my comparatively poor aptitude as well as technical skills and my bloody luck that never seems to stand by me or stand for me... okey okey i know that those who deserve will get selected.. but then i have seen people who are not the best in the class getting selected just like that.. am i wrong in calling them lucky?? will i be making a mistake if i say that their luck was with them?? but i can say this with absolute certainty that i have one of the worst lucks anyone can have.. luck is not something i can bank on...
so given my very modest expectations, i am not heartbroken about the fact that i am still jobless... but yes, rejection is always hard to swallow.. there's always a sting associated with failure.. a little disappointment always creeps in.. some uncomfortable questions hang in the air... you start asking yourself if you can ever make it through.... but dwelling on the negativities is not something i can afford to do... and not something i normally do.. so i say, "to hell with samsung" and i move on... one fine day, things will work in my favour and one lucky company will take me... (of course, any company will be lucky to have me.. ;).. hehe..)..
and oh yeah, if no company decides to have me, i will just have to start off a little early with my dream endeavour: a restaurant of my (or our) own..
(placements jaye bhaad me.. !!.. banungi me restaurateur.. :D)

where art thou??

i am in need of a mentor, a guide; someone to fall back on and talk to. i need someone whose advice i can seek when i am unsure about what life tries to throw at me. someone who would lend a ear to what i say. standing here today at the crossroads, i need that someone more than ever. it would make a whole lot of difference if i had him/her. i have been standing alone all this while. it wouldn't do me any harm if someone came along and stood beside me. it would be a welcome change just to have someone whose presence would make things seem simpler. but here i am mentor-less and guide-less. here i am standing alone dealing with life and the many things that come along with it. has my mentor decided to never show up? has my guide gone into hiding? where art thou? do i call out your name? do you have a name,sir?
perhaps part of it is my fault. i have never been able to open myself fully to anyone. i have never tried talking much to anyone even close to a mentor. for the most part of my life, i have followed the strategy of keeping my mouth shut, keeping all my thoughts to myself; qualities that would't really bring me a mentor. i know i have started opening up since i came to college. i have seen changes in myself; for the better i hope. but by now, i have scared all potential mentors away. gone. so here i am moving on with this mentor-less guide-less life. but what the hell!!..why even bother?? all this while,i have fared pretty well without a mentor. and i am gonna do just fine this time too. (optimism!!. .my eternal affliction!!)

a note of love and gratitude

i still remember the day my dad brought you home. i was around three years old and about to start school. my parents thought it would be great to have you around, with me starting school and all. so they decided to bring you home. my mom says she even pawned her jewellery just to have you with us. and i am so glad they took you in. what would my life have been without you!! you were always there whenever we needed you. you were always there to make things easier for us. you have been with us through sickness and in health; the good times and the bad. you have provided us protection through sunshine and through rain. we have travelled through life hand in hand. your life and mine are intertwined. you have been as much a part of my life as my mom, dad, brother and sister have been. there are many sweet memories of you and me, you and us. we have grown up together. my family's journey and yours are the same. you are a part of our lives and we a part of yours. you have watched us go through life and become the persons that we are today. i have 20 years worth of memories deeply connected with you. and we can never contemplate sending you away. you have carved a place in our hearts and you are gonna stay there forever.
you are so much more than just a "car" to me. you are my friend, my companion. you mean a lot to me. you have never given up on us. you have been loyal and always eager to help. you have always given your best. you are the best friend we have. and i am so grateful for all that you have done for us. thank you. a million times over. i love having you around. i love sitting in the front seat beside my father. and by the way, dad says he will never have you sent away because you have become a part of us. he will always keep you with him. so our journey continues. we will be travelling together for many years to come. i am looking forward to many more sweet memories!!
love you.