Love etc etc

When you have been single too long and you start thinking it's high time you get into a relationship, at least to have a taste of what it feels like to be in one (this is for people like me!), you can't help thinking of every new guy that comes your way (but of course provided that he's cute/smart enough!)  as the prospective "man" in your life. you fall in love with every second person. at least you think you do! in your mind, thoughts keeps running. "Maybe he is the one. Maybe this time it's different. Maybe things will work out this time. Maybe... " your heart builds up all sorts of hope. it dreams and dreams big. the mind lets the heart go wild; fill itself with hopes and dreams of love. you let yourself be as stupid as can be. you let yourself do things you wouldn't normally. you think everything's gonna fall into place. you think everything's gonna be great. But then.. wham!! something hits you!! suddenly you realize that maybe he's not the one for you. maybe things will never work out between you two. maybe you are not meant for him and he not for you. you mourn the loss. you rant a bit. and then on you move. and not many days later, you run into someone new and he's now the one for you and yet he won't be the one. he's not meant to be yours.
the cycle repeats; of love and heartbreak.and thus the story goes.
but someday, out of the blue, something happens. you realize you've been a fool too long. you realize it's not worth it. and you are happy the way you are. you feel so fine and light. there's not a worry in your mind. you feel good. you feel so free. and you wish you would always feel that way. because you won't have it any other way.

p.s. this post comes "direct dil se". :).

North South Whatever

Well we all know how this South Indian girl's(or should I say Madrasan?) 'Open letter to a Delhi boy' has been causing ripples, nay waves, for the last two days or so. And how it has started this North vs South debate. And the very predictable pointing of fingers and accusations and counter-accusations and the 'They discriminate us' sort of thing. Ah well who am I to gatecrash the party. But then I got things to say. And this is my blog, FYI.
I belong neither to the North nor to the South. I come from that part of the country which many people think is a different country, as foreign as China or Japan. I don't know where I fit in this North-South debate. (By the way what do the East and West do ? Jump into the North vs South ring or form it's very own East vs West fight? )  And I won't be pointing fingers either. My mind is bubbling with thoughts waiting to tumble out though. So here they go.

For one, the wrongest and the commonest crime we commit is to 'generalize' people. Everyone falls prey to this. Including yours truly, of course.
We generalize people based on every factor we can come up with(geographical and religious, mostly) and form our own contorted views and perceptions and conclusions and what not and then go out of our way to hate them or love them. In most cases, hate. Don't we know that whether a person is good or bad or loud or sober or stingy or extravagant or whatever it may be does not depend on which part of the country he/she comes from or how he/she looks, dark or fair?? If you don't, then you are the most pitiful person i can think of!
I have South Indian friends. I have North Indian friends. I have Muslim friends. I have Christian friends. I think most of us do. Does it matter where a person is from for him/her to become your friend? All that takes is a certain matching of frequency (as they say) and chance.
And say, you are a North Indian and your sister marries a South Indian guy, would you hate your brother-in-law and your sister's kids because they are South Indians? Sounds ridiculous right? Because it is!
You don't just hate a person because he/she happens to belong to a certain region or religion or looks different.

Having said that, I think at some point of time, we have both fallen to generalizing people and being generalized. I must have done it at times. I am sure. But as things usually go, we tend to forget the bad we do to people. But remember the same bad people do to us. We crib about the wrong being done to us but don't consider the wrong we might be doing. So maybe it's just a matter of tit-for-tat going around.

No one expects me to have a solution, of course. But all i can say is that if we just try to bring down our generalizations, learn a bit of tolerance, bring in a bit of sensitivity to other people's feelings, the world will defintely be a better place to live in.

take it easy!

One month-old here in Deloitte. And I have learned a lot. Training’s over for the time being.  But got a lot more to learn. We have been pushed to set our goals for the year coming. But wait a minute. What goals?? What is it they are talking about? I scratch my head as I try to think. I am confused like most of my friends. Can anyone be so clear about what they want so early? How do I set my goals? I am not even sure of what I want. I am not even sure of what I am supposed to be doing the whole year! And when we aren’t even sure of what goals to set, they want SMART goals or so it seems. Am I the only one who feels this way? I am already apprehensive about the future.  I know this shouldn’t be the way. The way is to be merry and happy.  But I can’t help but feel a little tense.  Where do I stand? And where will I be a year from now? Will my peers move ahead while I stand here frozen? But isn’t it a little too early to worry?  Why am I panicking? There ‘s  still time for the race to the top. It’s been just a month, for god’s sake!  There’s no need to be pulling my hair crazy! Things will be okay. They always turn out fine. Worrying never made anything better!  So I better stop all the worrying and give myself a kick if I do. Anyway no one’s getting a promotion in the first two years!  Rest assured.  So I better  look forward to my first salary and the joining bonus due this Friday(hopefully). Come on. Bring it on! I know exactly what I am gonna do with all the cash! :D

choked!

Never in my life have i used such slow internet as i am using now! it takes forever to open a webpage. aur Twitter to bhul hi jao. and for someone whose life's purpose is to tweet, this is torture of the highest degree! Twitter, for me, is the place where my feelings and emotions of the moment find expression. and to be cut-off from such a place is nothing less than being choked. this may sound a little exaggerated but i do feel choked; like i have to swallow my emotions back!
the internet speed is not getting better anytime soon. and until i leave for hyderabad and get a better net speed, i will have to lead this choked life.or maybe i will have to look for an alternate way of expression. maybe i will have to blog and blog. and see i have broken my exile from blogger.com with this post! so hello fellow bloggers, i am announcing my return to blogging!! nice to be back!

fly by quickly

the first two months of the last semester of college have gone just like that, without my even realizing it. two months remain. and i am wishing they would pass just as soon. unnoticed.
instead of wishing for time to stall or time to move at a slow pace, i am wishing it to run as fast as can be. i do not wish for an extra day here. i wish for the least number of days to stay.
i have had a great time here. i have made friends and had all the fun i could. i have done things i never thought i would. i have had my share of joys. and sorrows too. i have cried but i have laughed more. i have had the time of my life. but right now i seem to have had enough of this place. i am getting sick of it. i no longer want to stay. i want to run somewhere far away.
some people i will truly miss. but most i won't even care. some places i will miss going to. but there will always be new places to go. i will miss staying up all night, sleeping all day. but i won't really mind.
when the time comes for me to leave for real, i might get a little sentimental and shed a tear or two. but that's all i will do. i will indulge in no drama. i will leave as quietly as i came.
i am praying for these two months to pass by quickly and for me to bid this place goodbye!

when you are broke!

what not to do this month:

1. buying clothes/anything
2. eating out
3. going out


(p.s this is what happens when you go broke two straight months in a row!
God be with me!)

what lies ahead

2011
i am already apprehensive about what lies ahead.
placements. job. work.
life after college.
going to work everyday (if at all i get a call letter from "Headstrong"!! ).
moving away from friends.
adjusting to a new place and new people.
trying to fit myself.
and what not!

just hope this year turns out fine. i am not even asking for "good" or "great"! i can deal with "fine". fingers crossed!

it's all a game

some things work out.
some things don't.
some stories end
before they even start.

we love some.
we hate too.
we get hurt.
we smile more.

fate deals it's hand.
some lose. some win.
who do we blame?
and who do we praise?

it's all a game.
it's me against the world.
it's my battle.
and it's for me to fight. 

Q

questions brimming over
overflowing from the mind
too many i can't lay my hands on them
and too fast they slip away
they lie scattered on the ground
questions not to be raised
unasked they rot away
eating me away along the way

picked a question up from the ruins
the one that would answer all
an answer is all i seek
an answer i may never get
because it's a question i may never ask.

the worst feeling

you know what's the worst kind of feeling? it's when a friend is down n out, feeling confused and sad and she needs a little help.. but you know you are incapable of giving her the much-needed help. when you are just as helpless as she is herself. when you can't even give her a hug and tell her she's gonna be just fine. when she's there far away all alone and you can't even lend her a shoulder to lean on. it's the worst kind of feeling when your friend is sad and you can't make her smile.

bored to death

boredom. utter crippling boredom holding me tight in its grip. boredom hanging like a dark heavy cloud. simply put: i am bored. totally. completely. wholly. royally.
my one companion(read:sleep) has left me alone today; all alone to fight against the ghost of boredom. i am on my own. and nothing seems to grab my attention. nothing seems to interest me. i sit here on my chair idle like an antique piece on a mantel. i am in a state of torpor. inactivity is the name of the game. i do nothing. all i do is maybe get bored and then get a little more bored of getting bored. this is the state i am in. i m stuck. stuck in the web of boredom. and i see no escape. i see no light at the end of the tunnel. i am bored to death!

Hues and Shades

a song rings in my mind
the words to it i can't quite recall
yet the tune is clear and sweet
the voice so unmistakably yours
the music plays on
and i hear them all in my mind

i once wrote the lyrics down
on the desk where i used to sit
and if i go back
to that class of mine
i may find the writings
faded but still holding on

my phone blared that song
for months on end
till the day i erased it clean
now i find no trace of it
except in my mind
where it lingers still

you are like that song to me
familiar once but now a distant memory
but the music takes me back to yesterday
and to memories of a time gone by
making me wish to listen to that song again
and remember a person i used to know

let me be

i do not demand
i do not expect
and i have no complains to make

i am the way i am
flawed but true
take me only if u can

love me or hate me
it's a call you make
and it's not for me to beg

come close
only if u feel the closeness
it's not an obligation

don't hand me roses
because you have to
but only if you want to

don't pity me
and do me things
i don't need your favor

don't pretend that you like me
and try to stab me at the back
i know better than to believe in you

don't try to make me special
when i am not to you
i need no one to feel that way

don't give me things
and think you're kind
i never asked for them

don't try to understand me
i am a puzzle
and you are not the one to solve

i ask nothing of you
i want not a thing from you
i wish nothing of you

you have your life;i have mine too
you live your life; and i live mine
you be as you are; let me be as i am

of pain, betrayal and survival

he left her standing all alone
one winter night,cold and grey
the darkness was closing in
the cold wind made her shiver

he was gone too soon
before she knew
and she stood there
too numbed to move

her mind drifted away
to memories of a warmer day
she rummaged to find a reason how
feelings could change all in a moment

what was her crime
she asked herself
when all she did was
love her man

she was hurt
she was betrayed
and she needed an answer why
from the man she loved

but he was gone forever
never to return
and she never could find
the answer she deserved to hear

she drowned herself in the pain
coursing through her body
stinging her every cell
she let it hurt, she let it cut

she waited for the tears to flow
a trickle ran down her cheek
but it froze mid-way
and shone with a pearly lustre

one fine day, sunny and bright
her frozen tears melted
and they were the last she would ever shed
for the man she loved

a smile was back on her face now
happiness was hers again
and she knew she deserved better
than the man she used to love.

Fun on two wheels

Before you start reading the "poem" that follows, let me tell you this: I don't know how poems are supposed to be written. I don't know how the lines are supposed to be arranged. Do poems have to rhyme? I genuinely have no idea.
I simply came up with the following lines while sitting through a boring class, after i had just come back from the morning trip to Van Vihar. Once back in the hostel, I made a few additions to it and a few changes. And here's the result before me, before you. It's a recollection of the little trip; lines of recollection arranged one after the other.
Try enjoying if you can. If not, I can't help.. :P
Anyway, it's dedicated to my three crazy friends: Nancy, Amrita and Didhity. Life here would not have been so much fun without the three of them by my side.


6 a.m on the first morning of September
Four best friends, different yet same
Stepped out for a little fun
Riding two scooties; one purple, the other silver
As they zoomed past the college building
They decided to take a mini-detour
To waters uncharted:
To the region where stands the hostels of the boys
A short trip
And they were back again
On the more oft-trodden paths
Drove through the streets of the city
Before halting by the front gates of "Van Vihar"

Cycling for the first time
Through the winding road
The serene lake on one side
The lush greenery on the other
The birds calling out in the silence of the morning
The roar of the lion from the jungle beyond
The leopard sitting gracefully in its enclosure
The flight of the peacocks across the waters
The crocodile camouflaged among the rocks
One deer very docile
Another a little wild
Four best friends
All sleepy but happy
With smiles as bright as the morning sun
Spent the morning thus
Cycling through the winding road.

a balanced diet of compromises and no-compromises

compromises... they seem to catch up with us however fast we may run. they seem to find us no matter where we are. hasn't it become a part of life to compromise? aren't we required to make compromises here and there, now and then? however much we may hate to, we are compelled to do just that by circumstances. each one of us has been a victim of it. 

many a time, we succumb to pressures: parental,peer and the likes. we do things we don't like. we do things because someone else expects us to. we do things(or not do) to make someone happy. and the chain grows. we compromise. we put up a smile and go on with life.

but then, there are some things you just can't compromise on. your integrity, for example. and self-respect. and ethics. these are things you can't put a price on; things you can't bargain. these are yours and yours to protect. no other person should have a say in these matters. it is your call.     you are what you make yourself to be. 

so maybe it all comes down to this: recognizing when to compromise and when not to. though there is just a fine line that separates the two, the challenge is to tread cautiously. perhaps life needs a balanced dose of compromises and no-compromises. perhaps that's the way of life. 

to fight or not to fight?

i have never understood nor tried to understand when people say fights bring people in a relationship closer and how the "relationship" gets stronger after having gone through numerous fights. and by relationship, i don't mean just a boyfriend-girlfriend one. it includes friendship, plain and simple. i can never get what kind of good fights can bring. personally, it hasn't done me any good; one bad fight and i guess i have had enough.
i don't like fights. i don't like how they sound. they send out too much negative energy all around. they make me uneasy. i can never have a sound sleep knowing that i had a fight with someone. i try my best to avoid getting into fights as much as i can. call me a coward if you want to. call me gutless. call me "miss diplomatic" or whatever. but that's how i am. and that's what i think is right. and i do what i think is right. it's for me to decide how to live.
for the most part of my life, i have rarely got involved in any serious fights; ones that would involve not talking to and not looking at each other's face. i have never found the reason to go pick up a fight with someone close or otherwise. that's how i have lived my life. and it hasn't done me any harm. i have turned out quite well.
sometimes i ask myself: is it because i have not been able to consider anyone close enough to me? i don't know. maybe. maybe not. perhaps it's because i don't demand anything of others nor do i expect much from others. or maybe i am mature enough to know fights don't work. ;). but i will never be sure.
i know i am an anomaly of sorts. i am an aberration. yet i am just happy being the way i am. i was born this way (maybe my parents passed on their genes for this). i can't change even if i wanted to. and i wouldn't change if i could. this is how i was meant to be. and this is how i am.

dreaming bad

you know how it feels like to dream bad and then when you open your sleepy eyes and realise it was just a dream, you are so happy and relieved you almost shout out with joy. i just woke up that way now. slept fitfully all morning dreaming this and that. dreamt a friend tellling me(with a desire to hurt me) something really bad about me. i haven't ever felt worse than i felt in my dream. it pinched me and hurt my sentiments so bad that when my room-mate woke me up from my sleep, i felt elated i wasn't living the dream. now i am awake and happy and thankful i won't be made to go through it.. :)

wish a little wish for me

here's this thing with me: i have this feeling that one should not wish things for oneself; rather one should wish things for others. wishes seem to come true when you make a wish for someone else. i don't know how i picked this up but somehow i did. and now i find it a little hard to ignore. many times i have wished something for myself and it almost always didn't work. but when i wished something for someone, it worked most times. i don't know how it is with other people. call it superstition if you want to, but with me, that is how it goes.
i think every two person should get into a partnership of wishing things for each other. that way, each will have his/her wish fulfilled, courtesy the other person. and wouldn't that be just nice?? (or utopian is it?).. for me, it's a comforting concept anyway.
a few weeks back, i had asked my friend to wish something for me. she did. and the wish came true. so i think i pretty much believe in my own theory.
and i will continue believing and go on wishing for people close to my heart. and all i need to do is find someone to believe in my theory and wish a little wish for me everytime i need one.

music to my ears

when it comes to music, "some people" tell me that i have the weirdest and most boring sense of choice. and they have their reasons for this: i am stuck in that by-gone era of the 1970s and 80s and early 90s, and i mostly prefer slow songs. yes, i do have a soft corner for songs of the good old days. and soft slow songs too. but are they reasons enough to call my choice "weird" or "boring"? what, in fact, is weird and what is not? isn't it all a matter of one's tastes being similar or different? what is entertaining to one may be boring to another and vice versa. just because my taste doesn't match with a certain someone doesn't mean the other person's choice is lousy. (some people think otherwise though.)
it's my choice. and i stand by my choice.
i love classic rock. i love country music. i love the blues. i love the good old songs.
any given day, pink floyd songs captivate me.
a "tequila sunrise" can make my day.
"annie's song" makes me wish i were annie.
dixie chicks sound much better than pussycat dolls.
"soulmate" is the best indian band i have heard.

perhaps i am an old soul; an antique piece when it comes to music. 
but it all comes down to one thing: it's good music that i love, be it from the 1970s or 80s or 90s or the most recent decade. (and by good, it may imply anything i come to like... :p) and i have a certain inclination towards songs with good lyrics. i am a sucker for good lyrics. i look for songs with meaning; songs that have a soul.
and however boring some people may label my choice of songs to be, along the way, i have met some people too who happen to share with me the same likings and the same favourite songs. after all, it feels good to know i am not alone!!(well, anyway, i know there must be plenty of uncles and aunties who listen to my kind of songs.. lol. :D).

i think i will keep liking my kind of music and i will keep listening to my kind of songs.
this old soul will stay on.