the last goodbye

i promised it was
and i tried hard everyday
but emotions got the better of me
i failed myself
as i stand here today feeling blue
i know i made a mistake
and redemption is the path to take
i need to say goodbye again
not just another goodbye
but the "last goodbye"
bid goodbye for the rest of time
say goodbye and goodluck
and i can rest in peace again..

no to dreams!!

i have been dreaming for way too long now... i guess it's time to stop dreaming.. it's time to come back to reality... to the way things really are at the moment... i know "reality bites"... yeah, it does... but then, one can't stay in a dream world forever.. there's always a time when things you choose not to notice, not to acknowledge start being so obvious and in-the-face that you can no longer choose to ignore it... maybe it's happening to me now..maybe it's time for me to realise that the future i dreamed of is not a possibility... that things can't work out my way however much i may want them to.. i should have realised this long back.. it was evident.. just lying there waiting for me to see... and yes, i did.. i had given up on all the dreams... but then,months later, i got hit by this ridiculous disease of "optimism".. n i started dreaming big time.. dreaming about a future that had no future... i just naively (!!!) believed that things could get better... but no, things can't change for the better... they only get worse... i tried to make things better.. and i m proud i tried... but i guess it was rather an exercise in futility.. it made no difference where it should have made a difference... i should have known better than to throw myself in a world of made-up dreams and fantasy... i m months late in realising that.. but finally, i do.. n yes, enough is enough.. i have had enough.. enough of floating in dreamland... now it's time to face reality.... it won't be that hard, after all... and the next time i dream, i will smack myself in the face... n that should bring me back to my senses..!!

and it lingers...

somewhere deep inside
somewhere unseen
resides a feeling
vaguely familiar
an old friend
but now an unwelcome guest
shoo it away
it wouldn't leave
try to shut the door on its face
it still finds a way inside
drive it away
yet it returns
to trouble me again and again
now i stand on the threshold
to punch it in the face
to stop it from entering my life
once and for all....

Me and a language named "Hindi"

here's the ongoing saga about my travails with the "hindi" language... having come from a place where hindi is more of a foreign language than the national language and having learnt the bits n pieces of what i know of hindi from television serials n movies n the few classes i had in school as a kid, it has been quite an interesting two-and-a-half years here in college. there's been many hillarious incidents concerning my efforts in speaking and understanding hindi. one incident i remember quite clearly. i was in the first year then. i had no idea of a lot of hindi words and sentences.and to me a lot of words seemed just the same even though they differed slightly in spelling and pronunciation. so when a friend pronounced " bhaad me ja", i innocently asked if that meant "go to the floods"!!!  i simply mistook the "bhaad" (which actually translates to "hell") for "floods". now all you hindi speaking people must be wondering how i couldn't have differentiated the two words. but to me they sounded just the same. how was i to know dat they were two words poles apart!!! one person present there advised my friend to never bother using such sentences with me because it just would nt have any effect on me for i don't know their meanings. maybe ignorance is bliss. but none of my troubles with this language is greater than the one i have with the genders.i never can seem to get a hold on the proper use of words with the so-called "genders" in hindi. it's always a laugh riot when i try to speak.i end up using the wrong words most of the times.and the thing is i never quite seem to improve even though i have been here two-and-a-half years. my mind never stops to ask one question though. why does it matter if a table or a car is masculine or feminine?? genders are supposed to be for living things. that's what i have always thought. but then i come here and suddenly i find out that every thing, living or non-living, has a gender.  of course i m a slow learner (to be honest, a very slow one at that). i don't deny that. but given a piece of wood or a jar of copper, i have my genuine troubles telling if it is a male or a female!!! n to add to all this, i can't make use of the proper forms of respect in my sentences. sometimes i get scared i may offend people; that people may think i m rude. so i take the easy way out. i follow the motto : "silence is golden". but most times i speak the way i speak ; wrong genders, misplaced words, north-eastern accent all included..(as for my accent, hearing me speak would giv  a bettr idea abt it.. lol..) i wonder if my hindi has improved a bit since my first year days or if it is just the same.(some people may say it's got worse!!!)... but i hv still got a year and a half to go till i graduate. and being an eternal optimist, i strongly believe i will learn..(it's not that bad to keep the faith at least... ).. let's wait and see. maybe someday, i will speak hindi without having to stop mid-sentence n wonder what word to use and if i sound right or not. i may stumble n fall now. but time and again i will rise. i will rise to speak "my hindi" (broken or however it is...)..... :D

girl, interrupted

one thousand and one thoughts are running in my mind... i m restless n i m frustrated.. i m confused.. n i feel disoriented.. my head's heavy n i can't breathe.. emotions are running wild.. n i feel a nagging feeling that's tugging at me.. i open my books to study.. n my frustration shoots up..i try to close my eyes.. but it doesnt help.. i walk around the hostel.. it still doesn't get any better.. i m looking for ways to let it all out.. my anger, my frustration, my emotions... i m looking for something to calm me down... i m looking for something to make me feel better.. i hug my teddy tight.. i feel a little better... i try to close my eyes again.. i m still not okay.. so i open my laptop n sit down to write.. to write whatever i can.. though not good a writer i m.. i write only when my emotions border on the extreme... n tonight's one such night my emotiosn have gone haywire.. it's all a combination of exams n dis n dat n what not dat has made me feel this way.. totally uncontrollable... i haven't felt this way for long.. the last time being two n a half months back... n now everything's coming in full flow... it's been building up for days now.. been feeling it... n nw that it's here i m finding it a little hard to deal with... "stay quiet,stay calm,relax".. dats my mantra.. but hw do i make it work nw?? hw do i stay calm??? i know it's gonna stay there and nag me well until after the exams... m getting the exam blues.. n a bad one at dat.. n m gonna get the post-exam blues too.. that's for sure... i haven't prepared well for the exams... thus the blues now.. i won't do well in the exams.. thus the post-exam blues i predict... but is it just the exams that's making me feel this way?? perhaps not....there's more to it than the "exams"... can't put a finger on it.. but the feeling lingers..this nagging, troubling, irritating feeling... this feeling i can't name.. a nameless phantom... i m tired.. i m about to fall... but m still hanging on.... hanging on to my sanity n my dreams... because i know that this too shall pass... suddenly i realise i m hungry.. so i open this packet of potato chips(blue lays.. my fav..).. n then a thought strikes me..(why didn't i think about it before??).. eating may perhaps be the best solution for my infliction... (i m already feeling better.. :))...so ya i m off to try out this option... chips, chocolates, biscuits n noodles are waiting for me... what is more worth doing than eating?? (of course i like to eat... i really do..)... next time i blog i will be chirpy n happy.. (i hope..).. but no guarantees on that.. i don't trust myself.. ;).. fingers crossed....

stumble n fall....

it's been a month since i last blogged.... ders been things to write... but i hv been too lazy to(as i always m).. but i finally went thru my account today... n i deleted a dozen posts... posts i wrote at a tym when i was in dis "phase" a couple of months ago.. dis silly phase i hd (i wish i nevr hv it again...)... i ws going thru them n i realised hw much of a fool i ws then.. gosh... was i dat much a fool??? i guess i was.... i ws js too lost in my own thoughts... too lost in another world.... n i say i m sensible.... !!!! i definitely wsnt in the right mind then... how could i hv misjudged it completely..??? but m wiser now (or m i??? ).... i keep myself guarded.... but i m as unpredictable as ever... n i nevr know when i m gonna let myself fall into a burning ring of fire again... honestly,,i don't trust myself at all.... any day i may stumble n fall n hurt myself.... n i dread to see dat day when i may get into dis loop of self-torture again.... i m nt sure if i could tak another bloodshed again.... i guess i hv had too much.... but then i m an eternal optimist.. (geez...).. i always hope for the best... even in the worst of times.... i fall n yet i rise again...(n i fall again... lol)... js a couple of months ago, i hd a bad fall... .but i survived wit minor injuries n i rose.... so the next thing coming may b me falling again... so ya i bettr watch out for myself.... but i can't live in fear of getting hurt...i can't live in a shell..... i can't put my guard on every moment... wat if i let my guard down for a second n dat second i get hit by the thing i wud dread to get hit with??? m in a fix.... but then i gotta tak things as they come.... let life throw at me what it wishes to.... it's not dat easy to break me.. it's nt dat easy to bring me down.... so it's a battle i m fighting.. a battle against myself... i know eventually i will lose (i hv been there before).... but m gonna fight it till da moment of surrender.... m gonna fight my battle....

strong enough???

deep inside me there are feelings i have chosen to hide..... tears left unshed.... words left unsaid.... emotions left unexpressed.... everyday i m fighting a battle... m battling to keep everything under control.... battling to keep a smile on my face..... m battling not to break down.... m battling not to give in.... cos i know i can't be weak now n give in.... some days are harder than the rest.... some days i just wanna quit being strong n give in.... somedays i just wanna break down.... sometimes i almost wanna hurt myself.... hurt myself n feel the pain,,,see some blood n know i m alive.... there are moments when i almost cry... moments when i freak out... moments when it gets to me... moments when i curse myself for having been such a fool... for having laid myself open to hurt.... there are times when i wish i could feel nothing.. wish i could be comfortably numb....
the hardest moments are when memories come flooding back... words start ringing in my mind... i wish i could erase those memories... i wish i could forget everything n start anew... but it's hard.. it's hard.. but i m trying (or am i??? )...wish i could somehow have the strength to start all over again.... wish things would be good again..... wish everything would be alright....