jobless in MANIT

it's been a tiring , disappointing and frustrating week for me... what with placements kicking off here in the college and all that... i sat for two companies; one company to be exact, but different departments: samsung research and development and samsung software.. and yes, i didn't make it through any of the two... the first time i didn't even clear the written aptitude exam...(hopeless, ain't i??) the second time i made it through it but couldn't clear the written technical.. (duh!!).. but after having seen all the cheating going around among the boys and the sort of people who appeared for the exam, i felt good that i at least cleared the aptitude round yesterday.. i lag way behind those people preparing for CAT in the aptitude department.. i have absolutely no practice in the various reasoning type questions... okey most questions are solvable.. the problem is the time limit.. given ample time anyone can solve them... many boys resorted to "group work" or "co-operation"; solving questions in parts and then exchanging answers..how wonderfully time saving!! and unfair!! yes i personally felt it was unfair.. and many girls shared my sentiments... but then we are helpless, aren't we??
anyway i won't dwell on that.. let's get back to my not getting selected in the first two companies i sat.. am i sad? am i disappointed?? am i de-motivated?? in the first place, i knew my chances were very less, what with my comparatively poor aptitude as well as technical skills and my bloody luck that never seems to stand by me or stand for me... okey okey i know that those who deserve will get selected.. but then i have seen people who are not the best in the class getting selected just like that.. am i wrong in calling them lucky?? will i be making a mistake if i say that their luck was with them?? but i can say this with absolute certainty that i have one of the worst lucks anyone can have.. luck is not something i can bank on...
so given my very modest expectations, i am not heartbroken about the fact that i am still jobless... but yes, rejection is always hard to swallow.. there's always a sting associated with failure.. a little disappointment always creeps in.. some uncomfortable questions hang in the air... you start asking yourself if you can ever make it through.... but dwelling on the negativities is not something i can afford to do... and not something i normally do.. so i say, "to hell with samsung" and i move on... one fine day, things will work in my favour and one lucky company will take me... (of course, any company will be lucky to have me.. ;).. hehe..)..
and oh yeah, if no company decides to have me, i will just have to start off a little early with my dream endeavour: a restaurant of my (or our) own..
(placements jaye bhaad me.. !!.. banungi me restaurateur.. :D)

where art thou??

i am in need of a mentor, a guide; someone to fall back on and talk to. i need someone whose advice i can seek when i am unsure about what life tries to throw at me. someone who would lend a ear to what i say. standing here today at the crossroads, i need that someone more than ever. it would make a whole lot of difference if i had him/her. i have been standing alone all this while. it wouldn't do me any harm if someone came along and stood beside me. it would be a welcome change just to have someone whose presence would make things seem simpler. but here i am mentor-less and guide-less. here i am standing alone dealing with life and the many things that come along with it. has my mentor decided to never show up? has my guide gone into hiding? where art thou? do i call out your name? do you have a name,sir?
perhaps part of it is my fault. i have never been able to open myself fully to anyone. i have never tried talking much to anyone even close to a mentor. for the most part of my life, i have followed the strategy of keeping my mouth shut, keeping all my thoughts to myself; qualities that would't really bring me a mentor. i know i have started opening up since i came to college. i have seen changes in myself; for the better i hope. but by now, i have scared all potential mentors away. gone. so here i am moving on with this mentor-less guide-less life. but what the hell!!..why even bother?? all this while,i have fared pretty well without a mentor. and i am gonna do just fine this time too. (optimism!!. .my eternal affliction!!)

a note of love and gratitude

i still remember the day my dad brought you home. i was around three years old and about to start school. my parents thought it would be great to have you around, with me starting school and all. so they decided to bring you home. my mom says she even pawned her jewellery just to have you with us. and i am so glad they took you in. what would my life have been without you!! you were always there whenever we needed you. you were always there to make things easier for us. you have been with us through sickness and in health; the good times and the bad. you have provided us protection through sunshine and through rain. we have travelled through life hand in hand. your life and mine are intertwined. you have been as much a part of my life as my mom, dad, brother and sister have been. there are many sweet memories of you and me, you and us. we have grown up together. my family's journey and yours are the same. you are a part of our lives and we a part of yours. you have watched us go through life and become the persons that we are today. i have 20 years worth of memories deeply connected with you. and we can never contemplate sending you away. you have carved a place in our hearts and you are gonna stay there forever.
you are so much more than just a "car" to me. you are my friend, my companion. you mean a lot to me. you have never given up on us. you have been loyal and always eager to help. you have always given your best. you are the best friend we have. and i am so grateful for all that you have done for us. thank you. a million times over. i love having you around. i love sitting in the front seat beside my father. and by the way, dad says he will never have you sent away because you have become a part of us. he will always keep you with him. so our journey continues. we will be travelling together for many years to come. i am looking forward to many more sweet memories!!
love you. 

love or something like it

love.. what exactly is "love"?? i have asked this question many times. and i have failed time and again to come up with a decent answer.
can we define love? is it even something to be defined?? what conventions are we supposed to observe?
how do we know if we love someone?? are there signs?? symptoms??
for me, the answers lie somewhere unseen; far away. i m walking towards that place. and one fine day, i will get there and unmask the answers. now along the way, i am learning bit by bit.
there's one old song that says, "pyar ko pyar hi rehne do.. koi naam na do..(let love be love. don't give it a name)". the point is: why try to define love like we would define photosynthesis? why categorise love as "heterosexual" love and "homesexual" love? normal and abnormal? let love be love. love is love. what difference does it make to "love" if the recipient of that love is of the same gender or of a different gender? love, i am sure, remains the same irrespective of gender, caste, creed, religion.
when we love someone(guy/girl), we are ready to accept him/her the way he/she is; the imperfections included. the flaws in him/her wouldn't bother you. you will see the goodness and the truth in him/her; the best of him/her. his/her presence will make you feel happy; your face will light up everytime he/she is around. his/her mere existence in this world will make me feel blessed. perhaps these are the signs that someone is in love. perhaps this is love.
i am not an experienced soul when it comes to love. but then, i have "believed" myself to be in love so many times that by now i am capable of making an observation or two.
and i know that lucky are those who have found "the person" to love. there is always one person in the crowd who affects you in a way no one else does; someone who draws you like no other person. and when you have found that person, perhaps you have found love!!

(i don't know if i have found mine. maybe not. maybe. (convention is not something i would follow!))

embracing ordinariness

having lived with myself for twenty years and a little more now,i have come to accept my ordinariness. i embrace it with open arms. i am not a person of talent. i am not uniquely gifted. i admit it with no shame. self-denial is not an option because i know i can never fool myself. the truth is there for me to see. and i see. and i admit. i do not stand-out in a crowd. i can never be the "star" of the show. but i  am "me". i am just an ordinary soul. and i have accepted myself the way i am. i am flawed, i am not special. but i am happy. i m happy being me. and that's all that matters. i have never hated myself for being the way i am and will never do so. i am proud to be "me".  in this world where reality is often shrouded by a cloud of mist, the challenge before each one of us is to be true to ourselves. and i have not failed to see reality as it is. i proudly proclaim my ordinariness.
and here's to all the ordinary souls out there... be proud of who you are. there's no shame in being ordinary. the only shame is in being an imposter. it's time to come out of the closet and shout out your ordinariness. embrace your ordinariness!!and appreciate the extraordinariness of extraordinary souls!!

years gone by..

Three years back i had come to college with big dreams and great hopes.. there were visions in my eyes.. zillions of things i had wished to accomplish.. thoughts of being an achiever... three years back i had thought i could be "someone".. now three years down the line, there are questions looming large... uncomfortable questions calling for answers before my journey through college comes to a full stop.. i am not totally proud of how i have lived my three years in college... i have never tried hard enough to be good.. i know i could have lived it better.. i was just too lazy and detached and easy-going to ever grasp the opportunity to achieve.. n i have never really succeeded in coming out of my shell, have i??... i know there's no point regretting.. i do not regret... but i will live it differently if i was asked to live it all over again... but those missed chances will never come back.. nor will i ever get to live my three years again.. i have thrown them away.. time is not mine to call back...
i have been a disappointment to myself... three years and i have learnt it's not unlike me to let myself down.. i know i could be so much.. yet i have never set out on a mission to achieve... i have been just too easily satisfied with how things were going... i have never jumped into the ring to fight it out...
now a year remains for me to redeem myself... a year remains for me to live up to the person i can be... a year to show myself i am so much more than i am now.. a year to become "someone"... a year to make up for what i have failed to accomplish in the last three years.. it could make a difference if i tried.. i will know at the end of the year if i have tried hard enough.. it may well turn out to be the best year of my college life... ...

ordinary me...

Like a speck of dust that has no significance, i m just another inconsequential soul on this planet... what is my place in this world?.. i question if i matter...  there is nothing to mark me off from the rest.. am i just a statistic in a world of clones?.. i m an ordinary being with nothing to claim to my name.. the story of my life is the story of a million other people.. i m not one of god's special children.. i missed out on my share of special talent.. i live a life of anonymity; unseen, unheard, unknown... i spend each day grappling with ordinariness.. i can't put it to exile.. it stays.. and someday, i will leave this earth in silence and in anonymity; just like the way i came, the way i lived...