Tuesday, July 27, 2010

love or something like it

love.. what exactly is "love"?? i have asked this question many times. and i have failed time and again to come up with a decent answer.
can we define love? is it even something to be defined?? what conventions are we supposed to observe?
how do we know if we love someone?? are there signs?? symptoms??
for me, the answers lie somewhere unseen; far away. i m walking towards that place. and one fine day, i will get there and unmask the answers. now along the way, i am learning bit by bit.
there's one old song that says, "pyar ko pyar hi rehne do.. koi naam na do..(let love be love. don't give it a name)". the point is: why try to define love like we would define photosynthesis? why categorise love as "heterosexual" love and "homesexual" love? normal and abnormal? let love be love. love is love. what difference does it make to "love" if the recipient of that love is of the same gender or of a different gender? love, i am sure, remains the same irrespective of gender, caste, creed, religion.
when we love someone(guy/girl), we are ready to accept him/her the way he/she is; the imperfections included. the flaws in him/her wouldn't bother you. you will see the goodness and the truth in him/her; the best of him/her. his/her presence will make you feel happy; your face will light up everytime he/she is around. his/her mere existence in this world will make me feel blessed. perhaps these are the signs that someone is in love. perhaps this is love.
i am not an experienced soul when it comes to love. but then, i have "believed" myself to be in love so many times that by now i am capable of making an observation or two.
and i know that lucky are those who have found "the person" to love. there is always one person in the crowd who affects you in a way no one else does; someone who draws you like no other person. and when you have found that person, perhaps you have found love!!

(i don't know if i have found mine. maybe not. maybe. (convention is not something i would follow!))

Sunday, July 25, 2010

embracing ordinariness

having lived with myself for twenty years and a little more now,i have come to accept my ordinariness. i embrace it with open arms. i am not a person of talent. i am not uniquely gifted. i admit it with no shame. self-denial is not an option because i know i can never fool myself. the truth is there for me to see. and i see. and i admit. i do not stand-out in a crowd. i can never be the "star" of the show. but i  am "me". i am just an ordinary soul. and i have accepted myself the way i am. i am flawed, i am not special. but i am happy. i m happy being me. and that's all that matters. i have never hated myself for being the way i am and will never do so. i am proud to be "me".  in this world where reality is often shrouded by a cloud of mist, the challenge before each one of us is to be true to ourselves. and i have not failed to see reality as it is. i proudly proclaim my ordinariness.
and here's to all the ordinary souls out there... be proud of who you are. there's no shame in being ordinary. the only shame is in being an imposter. it's time to come out of the closet and shout out your ordinariness. embrace your ordinariness!!and appreciate the extraordinariness of extraordinary souls!!

Monday, July 12, 2010

years gone by..

Three years back i had come to college with big dreams and great hopes.. there were visions in my eyes.. zillions of things i had wished to accomplish.. thoughts of being an achiever... three years back i had thought i could be "someone".. now three years down the line, there are questions looming large... uncomfortable questions calling for answers before my journey through college comes to a full stop.. i am not totally proud of how i have lived my three years in college... i have never tried hard enough to be good.. i know i could have lived it better.. i was just too lazy and detached and easy-going to ever grasp the opportunity to achieve.. n i have never really succeeded in coming out of my shell, have i??... i know there's no point regretting.. i do not regret... but i will live it differently if i was asked to live it all over again... but those missed chances will never come back.. nor will i ever get to live my three years again.. i have thrown them away.. time is not mine to call back...
i have been a disappointment to myself... three years and i have learnt it's not unlike me to let myself down.. i know i could be so much.. yet i have never set out on a mission to achieve... i have been just too easily satisfied with how things were going... i have never jumped into the ring to fight it out...
now a year remains for me to redeem myself... a year remains for me to live up to the person i can be... a year to show myself i am so much more than i am now.. a year to become "someone"... a year to make up for what i have failed to accomplish in the last three years.. it could make a difference if i tried.. i will know at the end of the year if i have tried hard enough.. it may well turn out to be the best year of my college life... ...

ordinary me...

Like a speck of dust that has no significance, i m just another inconsequential soul on this planet... what is my place in this world?.. i question if i matter...  there is nothing to mark me off from the rest.. am i just a statistic in a world of clones?.. i m an ordinary being with nothing to claim to my name.. the story of my life is the story of a million other people.. i m not one of god's special children.. i missed out on my share of special talent.. i live a life of anonymity; unseen, unheard, unknown... i spend each day grappling with ordinariness.. i can't put it to exile.. it stays.. and someday, i will leave this earth in silence and in anonymity; just like the way i came, the way i lived...

the last goodbye

i promised it was
and i tried hard everyday
but emotions got the better of me
i failed myself
as i stand here today feeling blue
i know i made a mistake
and redemption is the path to take
i need to say goodbye again
not just another goodbye
but the "last goodbye"
bid goodbye for the rest of time
say goodbye and goodluck
and i can rest in peace again..

no to dreams!!

i have been dreaming for way too long now... i guess it's time to stop dreaming.. it's time to come back to reality... to the way things really are at the moment... i know "reality bites"... yeah, it does... but then, one can't stay in a dream world forever.. there's always a time when things you choose not to notice, not to acknowledge start being so obvious and in-the-face that you can no longer choose to ignore it... maybe it's happening to me now..maybe it's time for me to realise that the future i dreamed of is not a possibility... that things can't work out my way however much i may want them to.. i should have realised this long back.. it was evident.. just lying there waiting for me to see... and yes, i did.. i had given up on all the dreams... but then,months later, i got hit by this ridiculous disease of "optimism".. n i started dreaming big time.. dreaming about a future that had no future... i just naively (!!!) believed that things could get better... but no, things can't change for the better... they only get worse... i tried to make things better.. and i m proud i tried... but i guess it was rather an exercise in futility.. it made no difference where it should have made a difference... i should have known better than to throw myself in a world of made-up dreams and fantasy... i m months late in realising that.. but finally, i do.. n yes, enough is enough.. i have had enough.. enough of floating in dreamland... now it's time to face reality.... it won't be that hard, after all... and the next time i dream, i will smack myself in the face... n that should bring me back to my senses..!!

and it lingers...

somewhere deep inside
somewhere unseen
resides a feeling
vaguely familiar
an old friend
but now an unwelcome guest
shoo it away
it wouldn't leave
try to shut the door on its face
it still finds a way inside
drive it away
yet it returns
to trouble me again and again
now i stand on the threshold
to punch it in the face
to stop it from entering my life
once and for all....