Tuesday, November 16, 2010

it's all a game

some things work out.
some things don't.
some stories end
before they even start.

we love some.
we hate too.
we get hurt.
we smile more.

fate deals it's hand.
some lose. some win.
who do we blame?
and who do we praise?

it's all a game.
it's me against the world.
it's my battle.
and it's for me to fight. 


questions brimming over
overflowing from the mind
too many i can't lay my hands on them
and too fast they slip away
they lie scattered on the ground
questions not to be raised
unasked they rot away
eating me away along the way

picked a question up from the ruins
the one that would answer all
an answer is all i seek
an answer i may never get
because it's a question i may never ask.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

the worst feeling

you know what's the worst kind of feeling? it's when a friend is down n out, feeling confused and sad and she needs a little help.. but you know you are incapable of giving her the much-needed help. when you are just as helpless as she is herself. when you can't even give her a hug and tell her she's gonna be just fine. when she's there far away all alone and you can't even lend her a shoulder to lean on. it's the worst kind of feeling when your friend is sad and you can't make her smile.

Friday, October 8, 2010

bored to death

boredom. utter crippling boredom holding me tight in its grip. boredom hanging like a dark heavy cloud. simply put: i am bored. totally. completely. wholly. royally.
my one companion(read:sleep) has left me alone today; all alone to fight against the ghost of boredom. i am on my own. and nothing seems to grab my attention. nothing seems to interest me. i sit here on my chair idle like an antique piece on a mantel. i am in a state of torpor. inactivity is the name of the game. i do nothing. all i do is maybe get bored and then get a little more bored of getting bored. this is the state i am in. i m stuck. stuck in the web of boredom. and i see no escape. i see no light at the end of the tunnel. i am bored to death!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Hues and Shades

a song rings in my mind
the words to it i can't quite recall
yet the tune is clear and sweet
the voice so unmistakably yours
the music plays on
and i hear them all in my mind

i once wrote the lyrics down
on the desk where i used to sit
and if i go back
to that class of mine
i may find the writings
faded but still holding on

my phone blared that song
for months on end
till the day i erased it clean
now i find no trace of it
except in my mind
where it lingers still

you are like that song to me
familiar once but now a distant memory
but the music takes me back to yesterday
and to memories of a time gone by
making me wish to listen to that song again
and remember a person i used to know

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

let me be

i do not demand
i do not expect
and i have no complains to make

i am the way i am
flawed but true
take me only if u can

love me or hate me
it's a call you make
and it's not for me to beg

come close
only if u feel the closeness
it's not an obligation

don't hand me roses
because you have to
but only if you want to

don't pity me
and do me things
i don't need your favor

don't pretend that you like me
and try to stab me at the back
i know better than to believe in you

don't try to make me special
when i am not to you
i need no one to feel that way

don't give me things
and think you're kind
i never asked for them

don't try to understand me
i am a puzzle
and you are not the one to solve

i ask nothing of you
i want not a thing from you
i wish nothing of you

you have your life;i have mine too
you live your life; and i live mine
you be as you are; let me be as i am

Friday, September 3, 2010

of pain, betrayal and survival

he left her standing all alone
one winter night,cold and grey
the darkness was closing in
the cold wind made her shiver

he was gone too soon
before she knew
and she stood there
too numbed to move

her mind drifted away
to memories of a warmer day
she rummaged to find a reason how
feelings could change all in a moment

what was her crime
she asked herself
when all she did was
love her man

she was hurt
she was betrayed
and she needed an answer why
from the man she loved

but he was gone forever
never to return
and she never could find
the answer she deserved to hear

she drowned herself in the pain
coursing through her body
stinging her every cell
she let it hurt, she let it cut

she waited for the tears to flow
a trickle ran down her cheek
but it froze mid-way
and shone with a pearly lustre

one fine day, sunny and bright
her frozen tears melted
and they were the last she would ever shed
for the man she loved

a smile was back on her face now
happiness was hers again
and she knew she deserved better
than the man she used to love.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Fun on two wheels

Before you start reading the "poem" that follows, let me tell you this: I don't know how poems are supposed to be written. I don't know how the lines are supposed to be arranged. Do poems have to rhyme? I genuinely have no idea.
I simply came up with the following lines while sitting through a boring class, after i had just come back from the morning trip to Van Vihar. Once back in the hostel, I made a few additions to it and a few changes. And here's the result before me, before you. It's a recollection of the little trip; lines of recollection arranged one after the other.
Try enjoying if you can. If not, I can't help.. :P
Anyway, it's dedicated to my three crazy friends: Nancy, Amrita and Didhity. Life here would not have been so much fun without the three of them by my side.

6 a.m on the first morning of September
Four best friends, different yet same
Stepped out for a little fun
Riding two scooties; one purple, the other silver
As they zoomed past the college building
They decided to take a mini-detour
To waters uncharted:
To the region where stands the hostels of the boys
A short trip
And they were back again
On the more oft-trodden paths
Drove through the streets of the city
Before halting by the front gates of "Van Vihar"

Cycling for the first time
Through the winding road
The serene lake on one side
The lush greenery on the other
The birds calling out in the silence of the morning
The roar of the lion from the jungle beyond
The leopard sitting gracefully in its enclosure
The flight of the peacocks across the waters
The crocodile camouflaged among the rocks
One deer very docile
Another a little wild
Four best friends
All sleepy but happy
With smiles as bright as the morning sun
Spent the morning thus
Cycling through the winding road.

Monday, August 30, 2010

a balanced diet of compromises and no-compromises

compromises... they seem to catch up with us however fast we may run. they seem to find us no matter where we are. hasn't it become a part of life to compromise? aren't we required to make compromises here and there, now and then? however much we may hate to, we are compelled to do just that by circumstances. each one of us has been a victim of it. 
many a time, we succumb to pressures: parental,peer and the likes. we do things we don't like. we do things because someone else expects us to. we do things(or not do) to make someone happy. and the chain grows. we compromise. we put up a smile and go on with life.
but then, there are some things you just can't compromise on. your integrity, for example. and self-respect. and ethics. these are things you can't put a price on; things you can't bargain. these are yours and yours to protect. no other person should have a say in these matters. it is your call.     you are what you make yourself to be. 
so maybe it all comes down to this: recognizing when to compromise and when not to. though there is just a fine line that separates the two, the challenge is to tread cautiously. perhaps life needs a balanced dose of compromises and no-compromises. perhaps that's the way of life. 

Saturday, August 28, 2010

to fight or not to fight?

i have never understood nor tried to understand when people say fights bring people in a relationship closer and how the "relationship" gets stronger after having gone through numerous fights. and by relationship, i don't mean just a boyfriend-girlfriend one. it includes friendship, plain and simple. i can never get what kind of good fights can bring. personally, it hasn't done me any good; one bad fight and i guess i have had enough.
i don't like fights. i don't like how they sound. they send out too much negative energy all around. they make me uneasy. i can never have a sound sleep knowing that i had a fight with someone. i try my best to avoid getting into fights as much as i can. call me a coward if you want to. call me gutless. call me "miss diplomatic" or whatever. but that's how i am. and that's what i think is right. and i do what i think is right. it's for me to decide how to live.
for the most part of my life, i have rarely got involved in any serious fights; ones that would involve not talking to and not looking at each other's face. i have never found the reason to go pick up a fight with someone close or otherwise. that's how i have lived my life. and it hasn't done me any harm. i have turned out quite well.
sometimes i ask myself: is it because i have not been able to consider anyone close enough to me? i don't know. maybe. maybe not. perhaps it's because i don't demand anything of others nor do i expect much from others. or maybe i am mature enough to know fights don't work. ;). but i will never be sure.
i know i am an anomaly of sorts. i am an aberration. yet i am just happy being the way i am. i was born this way (maybe my parents passed on their genes for this). i can't change even if i wanted to. and i wouldn't change if i could. this is how i was meant to be. and this is how i am.

dreaming bad

you know how it feels like to dream bad and then when you open your sleepy eyes and realise it was just a dream, you are so happy and relieved you almost shout out with joy. i just woke up that way now. slept fitfully all morning dreaming this and that. dreamt a friend tellling me(with a desire to hurt me) something really bad about me. i haven't ever felt worse than i felt in my dream. it pinched me and hurt my sentiments so bad that when my room-mate woke me up from my sleep, i felt elated i wasn't living the dream. now i am awake and happy and thankful i won't be made to go through it.. :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

wish a little wish for me

here's this thing with me: i have this feeling that one should not wish things for oneself; rather one should wish things for others. wishes seem to come true when you make a wish for someone else. i don't know how i picked this up but somehow i did. and now i find it a little hard to ignore. many times i have wished something for myself and it almost always didn't work. but when i wished something for someone, it worked most times. i don't know how it is with other people. call it superstition if you want to, but with me, that is how it goes.
i think every two person should get into a partnership of wishing things for each other. that way, each will have his/her wish fulfilled, courtesy the other person. and wouldn't that be just nice?? (or utopian is it?).. for me, it's a comforting concept anyway.
a few weeks back, i had asked my friend to wish something for me. she did. and the wish came true. so i think i pretty much believe in my own theory.
and i will continue believing and go on wishing for people close to my heart. and all i need to do is find someone to believe in my theory and wish a little wish for me everytime i need one.

music to my ears

when it comes to music, "some people" tell me that i have the weirdest and most boring sense of choice. and they have their reasons for this: i am stuck in that by-gone era of the 1970s and 80s and early 90s, and i mostly prefer slow songs. yes, i do have a soft corner for songs of the good old days. and soft slow songs too. but are they reasons enough to call my choice "weird" or "boring"? what, in fact, is weird and what is not? isn't it all a matter of one's tastes being similar or different? what is entertaining to one may be boring to another and vice versa. just because my taste doesn't match with a certain someone doesn't mean the other person's choice is lousy. (some people think otherwise though.)
it's my choice. and i stand by my choice.
i love classic rock. i love country music. i love the blues. i love the good old songs.
any given day, pink floyd songs captivate me.
a "tequila sunrise" can make my day.
"annie's song" makes me wish i were annie.
dixie chicks sound much better than pussycat dolls.
"soulmate" is the best indian band i have heard.

perhaps i am an old soul; an antique piece when it comes to music. 
but it all comes down to one thing: it's good music that i love, be it from the 1970s or 80s or 90s or the most recent decade. (and by good, it may imply anything i come to like... :p) and i have a certain inclination towards songs with good lyrics. i am a sucker for good lyrics. i look for songs with meaning; songs that have a soul.
and however boring some people may label my choice of songs to be, along the way, i have met some people too who happen to share with me the same likings and the same favourite songs. after all, it feels good to know i am not alone!!(well, anyway, i know there must be plenty of uncles and aunties who listen to my kind of songs.. lol. :D).

i think i will keep liking my kind of music and i will keep listening to my kind of songs.
this old soul will stay on.

Friday, August 20, 2010

my take on love

falling in love, i think, is a matter of chance,luck and timing. it's about being at the right place at the right time and meeting the right person. it's also about having the courage to be stupid and the audacity to experiment. falling in love is about being ready to share your life with someone. it is about taking the chance and not thinking about what the end result will be.
love is not to be pursued. you can't go out in the morning aiming to find love by the end of the day. you can't plan on love. love happens. and when the time's right and it's meant to happen, love will strike you hard.
and love is not something to be forced on. you cannot force someone to love you. emotional blackmails won't work after a while. because love is about understanding, trust and acceptance. it's not about your petty whims and desires. love is not to be demanded. it is to be earned.
love should be about freedom; the freedom of choice: to stay or to leave. it should not be a chain binding you to a person when all you want to do is leave and break free. and most of all, love should be about happiness and joy of the two souls in love.

(personally, never has my timing been right. never has luck shone on me. never have i met the right person at the right time at the right place. i have always been a little too late. but still i keep the faith. optimism is my eternal affliction. have i mentioned this before? ;))

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

hey dude, what's the big deal?

one thing i will never quite understand: guys and their fetish for long hair(on girls, i mean). whenever i happen to stumble upon a guy's profile on social networking sites etc., i always find him mention "long hair" as a major turn-on or attractive feature of a female. and the few guys i have talked to seem to share this view. never have i come across any guy who thinks otherwise.
is the male mind programmed to think this way? i don't know. i have no idea. but to me, it all seems a little weird. or maybe, i m the one who's weird here.or maybe, being a female(a weird one at that!!), i am not programmed from birth to think the way guys think.
during my growing-up years, i used to love Meg Ryan's movies e.g. "You've got mail", "City of Angels" etc and for me, she was the prettiest female in the world. and she had short hair. Halle Berry was another personal favourite and she was always sizzling hot, with her hair that was even shorter than a guy's. and Natalie Imbruglia was another one with short hair whom i loved. and then there's Barkha Dutt, the one female whom i have admired and looked up to since my sixth standard or so, with her characteristic short hair.
having grown up this way, i guess it's no wonder why i can't understand the guys when they go ga-ga over long hair. this is not to say that i don't like long hair. more than that, what i really don't understand(and like) is how guys think short hair is not meant for girls. anyway, i guess i am in no particular hurry to understand them(i am finally starting to feel sleepy now. thank god!!). so i will leave this comprehending part for later. i have never understood them(at least the ones here in college) anyway.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

the girl from yesterday

it all began with my sweet crazy friend from high school reminiscing about her past, her school days. out of the blue, she remembered a certain girl we supposedly saw during our school days. she remembered her being really pretty and we going ga-ga over her. (in those days when we were in an all-girls convent school, we used to have big crushes on girls. pretty girls. boyish girls. anyone.it was pretty normal stuff for us then. and it had nothing to do with being straight or otherwise.. ;) ) but she couldn't remember her clearly and who exactly she was. this got her so irritated that she thought of asking me if i remebered her and the episode. i, who so prides herself in having a good memory and tending to remember incidents well, couldn't remember her at all. this made my friend wonder if it had been all been just her dream. i,on my part, tried and tried to remember but didn't succeed. meanwhile, my friend came up with a name and a school for the girl. i tried searching on facebook and found a girl by that name who had attended that school. but i had a serious doubt it was "the girl". she wasn't pretty enough(geez.. ). my friend confirmed my doubts. she told me it wasn't her at all. so i tried again. but no matching profile came up. by this time, my friend had gone crazy because of the irritation of not being able to find her girl. and she had  passed on some amount of her madness to me. then i thought of asking another friend of mine who had been in that certain school if she knew anyone by that name. it was 5 pm or so when i asked her. her reply came pretty late. 8 pm or so. the one she happened to know was the girl who's profile i had earlier checked out on fb. and she knew no other girl by that name.
by then, after more than 4 hours of torment, my dear friend had obviously lost her mind. she kept asking me if i could recall the girl even a bit. i genuinely tried to. but somehow nothing came to my mind. this went on for an hour or so. and then, my friend told me something about the girl being the sister of a certain guy who used to take tuition classes with us. and suddenly, it hit me!! this girl exists after all!! i knew her brother. i knew her. i can even recall her brother's face. but the sad thing is that when it came to recalling her, all i remember is that she was tall and pretty. i can't remember her face. i don't remember how she looks like. i only remember it was a pretty face. anyway, my friend was extremely happy and relieved to know that i remember her too. and that she wasn't dreaming it up!!
the puzzle is half-solved now. but there's a tougher task ahead of us. we have to find her. we have to find her through fb or orkut or whatever means we can think of. but find her we must. we won't give up that easily. we will search every nook and corner. we will use all our contacts. we will do all we can. we won't rest until we find "the girl from yesterday"!!
and then,my friend wants to see her face; see if she's still pretty!! hopeless case we are. i know. but my sweet friend has been the craziest girl i have known all my life. and the crazier thing is that i am letting myself go crazy along with her!! but then, what would i not do for a friend like her? :)..

Sunday, August 15, 2010

good or bad? bad or good?

Living in a girls' hostel with "girls", i frequently get to hear my fellow hostel-mates categorise people(guys,to be more exact) into good and bad based on a person's drinking and smoking habits. pretty normal talk here in my hostel. armed with information about how much a guy drinks and smokes and how often, the girls jump into conclusions about his character. "this guy is bad because he drinks." "he smokes a lot so you know what kind of a person he must be." blah blah.. they pass their judgements with absolute surety.
but i tell you:i am not one of them. i do not share their sentiments. i declare myself to be one of the very small group of people who refuse to judge people on that basis. i cannot allow myself to be so narrow-minded and bigoted as to judge someone like that. this is not to say that i support alcoholism or chain-smoking. i do not. i know smoking kills. i know drinking destroys. and i would never encourage anyone to smoke or drink. but the simple point is that smoking or drinking is not a criteria that would naturally render a person bad. you cannot jump to conclusions about how a person  is based on such an aspect as smoking or drinking.
everyone drinks during the college years.(and from observation, i know that eventually they cut down on the drinking and smoking. they do it now for the fun of it. they are not trying to become alcoholics!! ) and you would find very few people who don't,say 5%. ok let's raise it a little. say it's  10%. so would you say the 90% are bad cause they drink and smoke? i think i would be a brainless fool to say that. it would be narrow-mindedness and stupidity of the highest order. but i think most girls(at least the ones here) are programmed to think that a guy who drinks and smokes is naturally bad. they have been thinking that way for ages now i guess. and the conservative attitude is hard to change. many a time arguments break out on topics such as drinking, smoking and some even more taboo topics.
i thank God i grew up with an open mind. i don't hate someone just because s/he smokes or drinks. for me, what matters is honesty and integrity. what matters is truth. what matters is kindness and love. i personally know people who smoke and drink. and they are better persons than many non-smokers and non-drinkers. ( i have no intention to insult the non-doers. this is just my very personal view). some smokers and drinkers have all my respect and admiration for the things they have achieved; their sense of responsibility, honesty and integrity.
all those conservatives, doubters, cynics,fools may not agree with me. so be it. i cannot make you change your stand or your mind. i don't care anyway. but baby, when you end up marrying a guy who drinks and smokes, tell me how you feel. is he no longer bad? :P

(good, bad. normal, weird. shallow, deep. i wonder if we even have the right to judge people.
shouldn't we all stop being judgemental for one day?)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

letting go 
backing out
staying in the sidelines
creating space
a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

resolutions before and after

days back i had come up with some weird resolutions. and all of them had to do with my getting placed.
firstly, i had decided i would not get myself a new phone until i got placed. the phone that i have now is not in the best of shape.the speakers are not in proper working order. and the screen is scratched and the cover is broken. my resolution has had the worst effect on the "talking on the phone" aspect. talking to someone through my phone is a frustrating task and both people on either end have to make a great effort to try to hear what the other person is saying and interpret it correctly. i mostly end up shouting out the words or just ending the conversation in frustration. i have even stopped talking to a lot of people on the phone simply because my bloody phone wouldn't let me have a decent conversation. but, now that i am placed, my resolution no longer holds. and i am finally free to get myself a new phone!! i have no resources to do that at this point of time. but i will do some coaxing and then i will have a brand new phone in my hand!!:)
secondly, i had made this resolution to not go back home until i have a job in hand, not that i go home between the semester. but i made this resolution just for the heck of it. today i just started thinking why i should not take a break sometime and head towards the north-east. it would be cool to be at home on my birthday. but it's a long time from now. and then i am always a little concerned about the amount of money it takes to travel to and from home. this aspect always discourages me from making a trip to my home. or should i just ask my parents to come visit me here in bhopal? nice idea and i also know my parents are not gonna be making the trip to bhopal anytime soon. so i guess for the time being, i should just chuck this idea. there's winter break in december. and i will go back home them.
other resolutions i am not really sure of. for one thing, i didn't make the resolution to lose weight. but i ended up losing 3-4 kgs. heartbreaking stuff. so my resolution now that i am placed is that i will eat all meals in a day and gain weight and try to be fit and strong. another one would be to treat myself to some good novels. i have missed reading them. and last but not the least, how can i forget my ambition to play the guitar well! so i resolve to learn playing the guitar with absolute commitment. (why do i seem to have a doubt about the first and last of these?)
gotta see if i have the strength to follow these resolutions. will get back with results in a few days or so.

a bundle of happiness

so this is what happiness is...i am utterly crazily shamelessly happy.. and i have every right to feel that way. my heart is bursting with happiness. it's spilling over. and i feel like shouting and screaming and telling the world that i am the happiest person on this earth. i feel like hugging every person i see and tell her how happy i am. am i going crazy?? i don't mind the craziness at all. yessss i am that happy. if there was a measurement for happiness, my happiness would cross the maximum limit. after such a long time i feel the highest level of joy and satisfaction at the accomplishment and a job well done. and i thank my lucky stars they stood by me. everything went my way. everything. 
10th august 2010 will always remain a special day for me. my first placement. "first". it was my day. and when it's your day, nothing can stop you from achieving what you are meant to achieve. and i did. i achieved what i set out to: a job with "HeadStrong". there is a sense of calm and security now. the knowledge that you have a job to fall back on wraps you up in a blanket of security and well-being. it's like having a soft cushion beneath you. and to see the positive results of your hard work and effort is a big confidence booster. i think i am more confident today than i was yesterday. 
even after having exhausted my entire energy merely sitting and waiting for the interviews and being tired to the bones, i am so happy that i can't fall asleep. i don't want the day to end. i want to taste the feeling for a couple more hours before i go to sleep. happiness is all i can feel now. i am a bundle of happiness and smiles now. i am happy. and i am gonna sit here and wait for the sun to rise. i want to see the first rays of the sun. i want to feel the cool morning breeze against me. i want to thank whatever or whoever it is for giving me this happiness. i want to let the songbirds and flowers know how happy and blessed i am. i want to sit on the swing in the park and lose myself in my happiness. i want to be with me in the quietness and serenity of the morning...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

need you now

some days when the sun doesn't shine
when the rain is pouring
and when it gets cold inside
i need you by my side
i need you to say everything's gonna be alright
when i start wondering if i am gonna make it through
i need you to hold my hand tight
and walk with me
i need you now

jobless in MANIT

it's been a tiring , disappointing and frustrating week for me... what with placements kicking off here in the college and all that... i sat for two companies; one company to be exact, but different departments: samsung research and development and samsung software.. and yes, i didn't make it through any of the two... the first time i didn't even clear the written aptitude exam...(hopeless, ain't i??) the second time i made it through it but couldn't clear the written technical.. (duh!!).. but after having seen all the cheating going around among the boys and the sort of people who appeared for the exam, i felt good that i at least cleared the aptitude round yesterday.. i lag way behind those people preparing for CAT in the aptitude department.. i have absolutely no practice in the various reasoning type questions... okey most questions are solvable.. the problem is the time limit.. given ample time anyone can solve them... many boys resorted to "group work" or "co-operation"; solving questions in parts and then exchanging answers..how wonderfully time saving!! and unfair!! yes i personally felt it was unfair.. and many girls shared my sentiments... but then we are helpless, aren't we??
anyway i won't dwell on that.. let's get back to my not getting selected in the first two companies i sat.. am i sad? am i disappointed?? am i de-motivated?? in the first place, i knew my chances were very less, what with my comparatively poor aptitude as well as technical skills and my bloody luck that never seems to stand by me or stand for me... okey okey i know that those who deserve will get selected.. but then i have seen people who are not the best in the class getting selected just like that.. am i wrong in calling them lucky?? will i be making a mistake if i say that their luck was with them?? but i can say this with absolute certainty that i have one of the worst lucks anyone can have.. luck is not something i can bank on...
so given my very modest expectations, i am not heartbroken about the fact that i am still jobless... but yes, rejection is always hard to swallow.. there's always a sting associated with failure.. a little disappointment always creeps in.. some uncomfortable questions hang in the air... you start asking yourself if you can ever make it through.... but dwelling on the negativities is not something i can afford to do... and not something i normally do.. so i say, "to hell with samsung" and i move on... one fine day, things will work in my favour and one lucky company will take me... (of course, any company will be lucky to have me.. ;).. hehe..)..
and oh yeah, if no company decides to have me, i will just have to start off a little early with my dream endeavour: a restaurant of my (or our) own..
(placements jaye bhaad me.. !!.. banungi me restaurateur.. :D)

Monday, August 2, 2010

where art thou??

i am in need of a mentor, a guide; someone to fall back on and talk to. i need someone whose advice i can seek when i am unsure about what life tries to throw at me. someone who would lend a ear to what i say. standing here today at the crossroads, i need that someone more than ever. it would make a whole lot of difference if i had him/her. i have been standing alone all this while. it wouldn't do me any harm if someone came along and stood beside me. it would be a welcome change just to have someone whose presence would make things seem simpler. but here i am mentor-less and guide-less. here i am standing alone dealing with life and the many things that come along with it. has my mentor decided to never show up? has my guide gone into hiding? where art thou? do i call out your name? do you have a name,sir?
perhaps part of it is my fault. i have never been able to open myself fully to anyone. i have never tried talking much to anyone even close to a mentor. for the most part of my life, i have followed the strategy of keeping my mouth shut, keeping all my thoughts to myself; qualities that would't really bring me a mentor. i know i have started opening up since i came to college. i have seen changes in myself; for the better i hope. but by now, i have scared all potential mentors away. gone. so here i am moving on with this mentor-less guide-less life. but what the hell!!..why even bother?? all this while,i have fared pretty well without a mentor. and i am gonna do just fine this time too. (optimism!!. .my eternal affliction!!)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

a note of love and gratitude

i still remember the day my dad brought you home. i was around three years old and about to start school. my parents thought it would be great to have you around, with me starting school and all. so they decided to bring you home. my mom says she even pawned her jewellery just to have you with us. and i am so glad they took you in. what would my life have been without you!! you were always there whenever we needed you. you were always there to make things easier for us. you have been with us through sickness and in health; the good times and the bad. you have provided us protection through sunshine and through rain. we have travelled through life hand in hand. your life and mine are intertwined. you have been as much a part of my life as my mom, dad, brother and sister have been. there are many sweet memories of you and me, you and us. we have grown up together. my family's journey and yours are the same. you are a part of our lives and we a part of yours. you have watched us go through life and become the persons that we are today. i have 20 years worth of memories deeply connected with you. and we can never contemplate sending you away. you have carved a place in our hearts and you are gonna stay there forever.
you are so much more than just a "car" to me. you are my friend, my companion. you mean a lot to me. you have never given up on us. you have been loyal and always eager to help. you have always given your best. you are the best friend we have. and i am so grateful for all that you have done for us. thank you. a million times over. i love having you around. i love sitting in the front seat beside my father. and by the way, dad says he will never have you sent away because you have become a part of us. he will always keep you with him. so our journey continues. we will be travelling together for many years to come. i am looking forward to many more sweet memories!!
love you. 

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

love or something like it

love.. what exactly is "love"?? i have asked this question many times. and i have failed time and again to come up with a decent answer.
can we define love? is it even something to be defined?? what conventions are we supposed to observe?
how do we know if we love someone?? are there signs?? symptoms??
for me, the answers lie somewhere unseen; far away. i m walking towards that place. and one fine day, i will get there and unmask the answers. now along the way, i am learning bit by bit.
there's one old song that says, "pyar ko pyar hi rehne do.. koi naam na do..(let love be love. don't give it a name)". the point is: why try to define love like we would define photosynthesis? why categorise love as "heterosexual" love and "homesexual" love? normal and abnormal? let love be love. love is love. what difference does it make to "love" if the recipient of that love is of the same gender or of a different gender? love, i am sure, remains the same irrespective of gender, caste, creed, religion.
when we love someone(guy/girl), we are ready to accept him/her the way he/she is; the imperfections included. the flaws in him/her wouldn't bother you. you will see the goodness and the truth in him/her; the best of him/her. his/her presence will make you feel happy; your face will light up everytime he/she is around. his/her mere existence in this world will make me feel blessed. perhaps these are the signs that someone is in love. perhaps this is love.
i am not an experienced soul when it comes to love. but then, i have "believed" myself to be in love so many times that by now i am capable of making an observation or two.
and i know that lucky are those who have found "the person" to love. there is always one person in the crowd who affects you in a way no one else does; someone who draws you like no other person. and when you have found that person, perhaps you have found love!!

(i don't know if i have found mine. maybe not. maybe. (convention is not something i would follow!))

Sunday, July 25, 2010

embracing ordinariness

having lived with myself for twenty years and a little more now,i have come to accept my ordinariness. i embrace it with open arms. i am not a person of talent. i am not uniquely gifted. i admit it with no shame. self-denial is not an option because i know i can never fool myself. the truth is there for me to see. and i see. and i admit. i do not stand-out in a crowd. i can never be the "star" of the show. but i  am "me". i am just an ordinary soul. and i have accepted myself the way i am. i am flawed, i am not special. but i am happy. i m happy being me. and that's all that matters. i have never hated myself for being the way i am and will never do so. i am proud to be "me".  in this world where reality is often shrouded by a cloud of mist, the challenge before each one of us is to be true to ourselves. and i have not failed to see reality as it is. i proudly proclaim my ordinariness.
and here's to all the ordinary souls out there... be proud of who you are. there's no shame in being ordinary. the only shame is in being an imposter. it's time to come out of the closet and shout out your ordinariness. embrace your ordinariness!!and appreciate the extraordinariness of extraordinary souls!!

Monday, July 12, 2010

years gone by..

Three years back i had come to college with big dreams and great hopes.. there were visions in my eyes.. zillions of things i had wished to accomplish.. thoughts of being an achiever... three years back i had thought i could be "someone".. now three years down the line, there are questions looming large... uncomfortable questions calling for answers before my journey through college comes to a full stop.. i am not totally proud of how i have lived my three years in college... i have never tried hard enough to be good.. i know i could have lived it better.. i was just too lazy and detached and easy-going to ever grasp the opportunity to achieve.. n i have never really succeeded in coming out of my shell, have i??... i know there's no point regretting.. i do not regret... but i will live it differently if i was asked to live it all over again... but those missed chances will never come back.. nor will i ever get to live my three years again.. i have thrown them away.. time is not mine to call back...
i have been a disappointment to myself... three years and i have learnt it's not unlike me to let myself down.. i know i could be so much.. yet i have never set out on a mission to achieve... i have been just too easily satisfied with how things were going... i have never jumped into the ring to fight it out...
now a year remains for me to redeem myself... a year remains for me to live up to the person i can be... a year to show myself i am so much more than i am now.. a year to become "someone"... a year to make up for what i have failed to accomplish in the last three years.. it could make a difference if i tried.. i will know at the end of the year if i have tried hard enough.. it may well turn out to be the best year of my college life... ...

ordinary me...

Like a speck of dust that has no significance, i m just another inconsequential soul on this planet... what is my place in this world?.. i question if i matter...  there is nothing to mark me off from the rest.. am i just a statistic in a world of clones?.. i m an ordinary being with nothing to claim to my name.. the story of my life is the story of a million other people.. i m not one of god's special children.. i missed out on my share of special talent.. i live a life of anonymity; unseen, unheard, unknown... i spend each day grappling with ordinariness.. i can't put it to exile.. it stays.. and someday, i will leave this earth in silence and in anonymity; just like the way i came, the way i lived...

the last goodbye

i promised it was
and i tried hard everyday
but emotions got the better of me
i failed myself
as i stand here today feeling blue
i know i made a mistake
and redemption is the path to take
i need to say goodbye again
not just another goodbye
but the "last goodbye"
bid goodbye for the rest of time
say goodbye and goodluck
and i can rest in peace again..

no to dreams!!

i have been dreaming for way too long now... i guess it's time to stop dreaming.. it's time to come back to reality... to the way things really are at the moment... i know "reality bites"... yeah, it does... but then, one can't stay in a dream world forever.. there's always a time when things you choose not to notice, not to acknowledge start being so obvious and in-the-face that you can no longer choose to ignore it... maybe it's happening to me now..maybe it's time for me to realise that the future i dreamed of is not a possibility... that things can't work out my way however much i may want them to.. i should have realised this long back.. it was evident.. just lying there waiting for me to see... and yes, i did.. i had given up on all the dreams... but then,months later, i got hit by this ridiculous disease of "optimism".. n i started dreaming big time.. dreaming about a future that had no future... i just naively (!!!) believed that things could get better... but no, things can't change for the better... they only get worse... i tried to make things better.. and i m proud i tried... but i guess it was rather an exercise in futility.. it made no difference where it should have made a difference... i should have known better than to throw myself in a world of made-up dreams and fantasy... i m months late in realising that.. but finally, i do.. n yes, enough is enough.. i have had enough.. enough of floating in dreamland... now it's time to face reality.... it won't be that hard, after all... and the next time i dream, i will smack myself in the face... n that should bring me back to my senses..!!

and it lingers...

somewhere deep inside
somewhere unseen
resides a feeling
vaguely familiar
an old friend
but now an unwelcome guest
shoo it away
it wouldn't leave
try to shut the door on its face
it still finds a way inside
drive it away
yet it returns
to trouble me again and again
now i stand on the threshold
to punch it in the face
to stop it from entering my life
once and for all....

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Me and a language named "Hindi"

here's the ongoing saga about my travails with the "hindi" language... having come from a place where hindi is more of a foreign language than the national language and having learnt the bits n pieces of what i know of hindi from television serials n movies n the few classes i had in school as a kid, it has been quite an interesting two-and-a-half years here in college. there's been many hillarious incidents concerning my efforts in speaking and understanding hindi. one incident i remember quite clearly. i was in the first year then. i had no idea of a lot of hindi words and sentences.and to me a lot of words seemed just the same even though they differed slightly in spelling and pronunciation. so when a friend pronounced " bhaad me ja", i innocently asked if that meant "go to the floods"!!!  i simply mistook the "bhaad" (which actually translates to "hell") for "floods". now all you hindi speaking people must be wondering how i couldn't have differentiated the two words. but to me they sounded just the same. how was i to know dat they were two words poles apart!!! one person present there advised my friend to never bother using such sentences with me because it just would nt have any effect on me for i don't know their meanings. maybe ignorance is bliss. but none of my troubles with this language is greater than the one i have with the genders.i never can seem to get a hold on the proper use of words with the so-called "genders" in hindi. it's always a laugh riot when i try to speak.i end up using the wrong words most of the times.and the thing is i never quite seem to improve even though i have been here two-and-a-half years. my mind never stops to ask one question though. why does it matter if a table or a car is masculine or feminine?? genders are supposed to be for living things. that's what i have always thought. but then i come here and suddenly i find out that every thing, living or non-living, has a gender.  of course i m a slow learner (to be honest, a very slow one at that). i don't deny that. but given a piece of wood or a jar of copper, i have my genuine troubles telling if it is a male or a female!!! n to add to all this, i can't make use of the proper forms of respect in my sentences. sometimes i get scared i may offend people; that people may think i m rude. so i take the easy way out. i follow the motto : "silence is golden". but most times i speak the way i speak ; wrong genders, misplaced words, north-eastern accent all included..(as for my accent, hearing me speak would giv  a bettr idea abt it.. lol..) i wonder if my hindi has improved a bit since my first year days or if it is just the same.(some people may say it's got worse!!!)... but i hv still got a year and a half to go till i graduate. and being an eternal optimist, i strongly believe i will learn..(it's not that bad to keep the faith at least... ).. let's wait and see. maybe someday, i will speak hindi without having to stop mid-sentence n wonder what word to use and if i sound right or not. i may stumble n fall now. but time and again i will rise. i will rise to speak "my hindi" (broken or however it is...)..... :D

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

girl, interrupted

one thousand and one thoughts are running in my mind... i m restless n i m frustrated.. i m confused.. n i feel disoriented.. my head's heavy n i can't breathe.. emotions are running wild.. n i feel a nagging feeling that's tugging at me.. i open my books to study.. n my frustration shoots up..i try to close my eyes.. but it doesnt help.. i walk around the hostel.. it still doesn't get any better.. i m looking for ways to let it all out.. my anger, my frustration, my emotions... i m looking for something to calm me down... i m looking for something to make me feel better.. i hug my teddy tight.. i feel a little better... i try to close my eyes again.. i m still not okay.. so i open my laptop n sit down to write.. to write whatever i can.. though not good a writer i m.. i write only when my emotions border on the extreme... n tonight's one such night my emotiosn have gone haywire.. it's all a combination of exams n dis n dat n what not dat has made me feel this way.. totally uncontrollable... i haven't felt this way for long.. the last time being two n a half months back... n now everything's coming in full flow... it's been building up for days now.. been feeling it... n nw that it's here i m finding it a little hard to deal with... "stay quiet,stay calm,relax".. dats my mantra.. but hw do i make it work nw?? hw do i stay calm??? i know it's gonna stay there and nag me well until after the exams... m getting the exam blues.. n a bad one at dat.. n m gonna get the post-exam blues too.. that's for sure... i haven't prepared well for the exams... thus the blues now.. i won't do well in the exams.. thus the post-exam blues i predict... but is it just the exams that's making me feel this way?? perhaps not....there's more to it than the "exams"... can't put a finger on it.. but the feeling lingers..this nagging, troubling, irritating feeling... this feeling i can't name.. a nameless phantom... i m tired.. i m about to fall... but m still hanging on.... hanging on to my sanity n my dreams... because i know that this too shall pass... suddenly i realise i m hungry.. so i open this packet of potato chips(blue lays.. my fav..).. n then a thought strikes me..(why didn't i think about it before??).. eating may perhaps be the best solution for my infliction... (i m already feeling better.. :))...so ya i m off to try out this option... chips, chocolates, biscuits n noodles are waiting for me... what is more worth doing than eating?? (of course i like to eat... i really do..)... next time i blog i will be chirpy n happy.. (i hope..).. but no guarantees on that.. i don't trust myself.. ;).. fingers crossed....

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

stumble n fall....

it's been a month since i last blogged.... ders been things to write... but i hv been too lazy to(as i always m).. but i finally went thru my account today... n i deleted a dozen posts... posts i wrote at a tym when i was in dis "phase" a couple of months ago.. dis silly phase i hd (i wish i nevr hv it again...)... i ws going thru them n i realised hw much of a fool i ws then.. gosh... was i dat much a fool??? i guess i was.... i ws js too lost in my own thoughts... too lost in another world.... n i say i m sensible.... !!!! i definitely wsnt in the right mind then... how could i hv misjudged it completely..??? but m wiser now (or m i??? ).... i keep myself guarded.... but i m as unpredictable as ever... n i nevr know when i m gonna let myself fall into a burning ring of fire again... honestly,,i don't trust myself at all.... any day i may stumble n fall n hurt myself.... n i dread to see dat day when i may get into dis loop of self-torture again.... i m nt sure if i could tak another bloodshed again.... i guess i hv had too much.... but then i m an eternal optimist.. (geez...).. i always hope for the best... even in the worst of times.... i fall n yet i rise again...(n i fall again... lol)... js a couple of months ago, i hd a bad fall... .but i survived wit minor injuries n i rose.... so the next thing coming may b me falling again... so ya i bettr watch out for myself.... but i can't live in fear of getting hurt...i can't live in a shell..... i can't put my guard on every moment... wat if i let my guard down for a second n dat second i get hit by the thing i wud dread to get hit with??? m in a fix.... but then i gotta tak things as they come.... let life throw at me what it wishes to.... it's not dat easy to break me.. it's nt dat easy to bring me down.... so it's a battle i m fighting.. a battle against myself... i know eventually i will lose (i hv been there before).... but m gonna fight it till da moment of surrender.... m gonna fight my battle....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

strong enough???

deep inside me there are feelings i have chosen to hide..... tears left unshed.... words left unsaid.... emotions left unexpressed.... everyday i m fighting a battle... m battling to keep everything under control.... battling to keep a smile on my face..... m battling not to break down.... m battling not to give in.... cos i know i can't be weak now n give in.... some days are harder than the rest.... some days i just wanna quit being strong n give in.... somedays i just wanna break down.... sometimes i almost wanna hurt myself.... hurt myself n feel the pain,,,see some blood n know i m alive.... there are moments when i almost cry... moments when i freak out... moments when it gets to me... moments when i curse myself for having been such a fool... for having laid myself open to hurt.... there are times when i wish i could feel nothing.. wish i could be comfortably numb....
the hardest moments are when memories come flooding back... words start ringing in my mind... i wish i could erase those memories... i wish i could forget everything n start anew... but it's hard.. it's hard.. but i m trying (or am i??? )...wish i could somehow have the strength to start all over again.... wish things would be good again..... wish everything would be alright....